It was a tough call to make. Since I was four years old, and I’m in my thirties now, I had wanted to find them. I was asked in a letter to be found. Thirteen grueling years of looking. A life of discrimination, blessings too, but with adoption pure discrimination. Even today I had a medical appointment with a new specialist and we discussed it’s such a shame I don’t have my biological medical information, which is discriminatorily kept from adopted people (please read a Hole in My Heart by Lorraine Dusky, the story of how her adopted out daughter died and the adoption agency refused to pass along life saving medical information). I got a little of it, but only after finding. I only had one prayer in my life, to find my biological family and get to know them in a happy way. I found them, and I got to know what kind of people they are. Unloving and uncaring. I am fortunate for the 1% of close cousins (2nd cousins) who decided to get to know me, instead of pretending I don’t exist which is emotional abuse. At my church when I used the restroom there was a sign telling women  to recognise the signs of domestic violence. Everything but one on that list was being done to me. Abuse is often not physical. I remember Mass at Christmas Eve last year talking about welcoming back adoptees into the biological family. A total sign from God and yet they still refused. If my first mother had said please give me time to tell I would have waited, a year, two years, sure.

If my first mother had said please give me time to tell I would have waited, a year, two years, sure.

Instead tells me she has no intention of every telling and I am to be her dirty secret, and then makes me look like a liar in front of my half sisters,  one of whom writes me a condescending email stating “she was going to tell in her own time” and “why couldn’t I respect her wish for me to be her dirty secret?”. No, she wasn’t going to tell and that makes me look like I lied. Instead of thinking, “wow I have a new found sister who cares about me and I want to get to know” you get a response going, “why can’t you be content being discriminated against when I would never want to be treated how we are treating you”. You know what I did lie about? Not telling those outside of the family. I never wanted it to come to this. Yes, it hurts the fact I had to officially call it off. That I had to say the things I had to say, that she’s heartless, that she never loved nor wanted me and at least I finally got the truth from someone on that but deep down I always knew it since I found her. I remember the first time my first mother wrote me. Before I even read the first word the hair on the back of my neck stood up.  When my friend was killed in March, which has been very hard, she came to me five days later in a dream telling me to stay away from them, warning me that they are not good people. Trust me, I didn’t wish since I was four to end like this. I didn’t wish and pray and spend thirteen years searching and a lot of money for me to have to expose them

You know what I did lie about? Not telling those outside of the family. I never wanted it to come to this. Yes, it hurts the fact I had to officially call it off. That I had to say the things I had to say, that she’s heartless, that she never loved nor wanted me and at least I finally got the truth from someone on that but deep down I always knew it since I found her. I remember the first time my first mother wrote me. Before I even read the first word the hair on the back of my neck stood up.  When my friend was killed in March, which has been very hard, she came to me five days later in a dream telling me to stay away from them, warning me that they are not good people. Trust me, I didn’t wish since I was four to end like this. I didn’t wish and pray and spend thirteen years searching and a lot of money for me to have to expose them, and yet at the end of the day they’ll learn of the small handful I told they’ll probably not give a toss that my first mother is a first mother.

 

One comes to a point where the cruelty is more than enough and the truth has to be said. I didn’t pray night after night and try to be nice to my first mother via email only to get the silent treatment from her for over a year because I refused to be her dirty secret. Months, no wait, years being patient and praying for my other family members, and trying to be polite introducing myself. It’s amazing the sides of yourself you’ll find when someone hurts you so extremely deeply, and your own flesh and blood hurting you, tossing you out, not caring about you at all to even send a happy birthday or a how are you after a trip to the ER speaks volumes and is much worse than any other form of rejection and abandonment and abuse you’ll ever endure. I’m sick and tired of the excuses for first mothers (and first fathers) who act like this, and any biological kin. I’m sick of society thinking treating adoptees like shit is acceptable and then painting us as the villains when we do something about it. I tried a long, long time to try to be patient and pray and hope things improve because I wanted them to because I loved them. I came to realize they never will, as I was told by a cousin they never will. There will always be a gaping hole in my heart as I had wanted to keep my existence known just in the family, I had wanted to share birthday cards and telephone chats and funny stories and photographs. It didn’t happen and it won’t ever happen. Do I forgive them? Yes, but I did it with a punishment for them attached. I now move forward, knowing that I grew up to be a loving, hilarious, altruistic person thanks to not growing up around them. I know that one day if I have a child or children (and I will love that child no matter how he or she is conceived; hopefully mutually consented) I will be a much better mother and won’t pick and choose which of my flesh to love. I now figure out the process of legally changing my middle name as it was the name my first mother had given me and we had kept it to

Months, no wait, years being patient and praying for my other family members, and trying to be polite introducing myself. Nothing but nice for an incredibly long time and I just came to my breaking point and “let em have it.”

It’s amazing the sides of yourself you’ll find when someone hurts you so extremely deeply, and your own flesh and blood hurting you, tossing you out, not caring about you at all to even send a happy birthday or a how are you after a trip to the ER speaks volumes and is much worse than any other form of rejection and abandonment and abuse you’ll ever endure. I’m sick and tired of the excuses for first mothers (and first fathers) who act like this, and any biological kin. I’m sick of society thinking treating adoptees like shit is acceptable and then painting us as the villains when we do something about it. I tried a long, long time to try to be patient and pray and hope things improve because I wanted them to because I loved them. I came to realize they never will, as I was told by a cousin they never will. There will always be a gaping hole in my heart as I had wanted to keep my existence known just in the family, I had wanted to share birthday cards and telephone chats and funny stories and photographs. It didn’t happen and it won’t ever happen. Do I forgive them? Yes, but I did it with a punishment for them attached. I now move forward, knowing that I grew up to be a loving, hilarious, altruistic person thanks to not growing up around them. I know that one day if I have a child or children (and I will love that child no matter how he or she is conceived; hopefully mutually consented) I will be a much better mother and won’t pick and choose which of my flesh to love. I now figure out the process of legally changing my middle name as it was the name my first mother had given me and we had kept it to

I’m sick and tired of the excuses for first mothers who act like this, and any biological kin. I’m sick of people calling guys dead beat dads but when a mother pulls this it’s excusable for XYZ reason. I’m sick of society thinking treating adoptees like shit is acceptable and then painting us as the villains when we do something about it. I tried a long, long time to try to be patient and pray and hope things improve because I wanted them to because I loved them. I came to realize they never will, as I was told by a cousin they never will. There will always be a gaping hole in my heart as I had wanted to keep my existence known just in the family, I had wanted to share birthday cards and telephone chats and funny stories and photographs. It didn’t happen and it won’t ever happen. Do I forgive them? Yes, but I did it with a punishment for them attached. I now move forward, knowing that I grew up to be a loving, hilarious, altruistic person thanks to not growing up around them. I know that one day if I have a child or children (and I will love that child no matter how he or she is conceived; hopefully mutually consented) I will be a much better mother and won’t pick and choose which of my flesh to love. I now figure out the process of legally changing my middle name as it was the name my first mother had given me and we had kept it to

There will always be a gaping hole in my heart as I had wanted to keep my existence known just in the family, I had wanted to share birthday cards and telephone chats and funny stories and photographs. It didn’t happen and it won’t ever happen. Do I forgive them? Yes, but I did it with a punishment for them attached. I now move forward, knowing that I grew up to be a loving, hilarious, altruistic person thanks to not growing up around them. I know that one day if I have a child or children (and I will love that child no matter how he or she is conceived; hopefully mutually consented) I will be a much better mother and won’t pick and choose which of my flesh to love. I now figure out the process of legally changing my middle name as it was the name my first mother had given me and we had kept it to

I now move forward, knowing that I grew up to be a loving, hilarious, altruistic person thanks to not growing up around them. I know that one day if I have a child or children I won’t pick and choose which of my flesh to love and tell the others to not talk to them and then make that one look like they did all the wrong things. I now figure out the process of legally changing my middle name as it was the name my first mother had given me and we had kept it to honour her. She doesn’t deserve that anymore.

I had to put on my big girl panties and stop thinking she’d ever apologize to me, that the elders would ever apologize to me for refusing to help when I was born when I was born into a large family with plenty of means of caring for a baby, that my uncles would ever apologize for acting like I don’t exist.

If I ever find my biological father and he pulls this same shit, I’ll have to do this all over again if after enough time he keeps doing the same. Who knows. Right now, I have no intention of finding him. She proved to be too much of a disappointment along with my half siblings, first cousins, a slew of second cousins, and my uncles who have no idea what it means to be real men. My body is already physically ill enough from this. I don’t need to add to it. My severe health conditions are caused by the extreme stress they have put me under and if someone does that to you, with no regrets, and then makes you look bad they are not safe nor healthy people.

Day by day, step by step it’ll get easier. I just have to remind myself they proved over and over what awful people they are by pretending I don’t exist, not because I said or did anything but because I breathe air, and then tried to claim family members were never told they couldn’t talk to me.  Oh please yes they were, I have it in writing, and it goes beyond that, the simple fact of giving me the silent treatment and asking me not to exist to anyone they know. I’m too old for mind games.

I’ve great friends, those who are very, very Christian, and even nuns are telling me congratulations on becoming free and that I did the right thing. That speaks volumes.

When you ask your own flesh and blood not to exist to anyone and then change your story and say you were going to tell, well you learn I’m not one to fuck around with. When you had the opportunity to get to know a sister who loves you and would have taken you to Paris, and made you laugh, but instead you get pissed off asking why didn’t I remain a dirty secret and I’m rude for not remaining so. When you are my cousin and a supposedly grown ass woman and add me on social media but then start to ignore me cos your parents (my great aunt and great uncle) and your siblings do. Well, the problem is with all of you, and not me.  I should have walked away at the beginning because no normal person thinks it’s fine to ask someone not to exist…forever. I would have been a secret for a year or so while she got her senses together, but that wasn’t ever going to happen. She said so herself. One of my many sisters did try to get to know me and was pushed back into not talking me. Another cousin knew about me years before I found them, we started a friendship and my first mother and maybe bio uncle (and I have it in writing) told her to block me and pretend I don’t exist.

When you had the opportunity to get to know a sister who loves you and would have taken you to Paris, and made you laugh, but instead you get pissed off asking why didn’t I remain a dirty secret and I’m rude for not remaining so. When you are my cousin and a supposedly grown ass woman and add me on social media but then start to ignore me cos your parents (my great aunt and great uncle) and your siblings do. Well, the problem is with all of you, and not me.  I should have walked away at the beginning because no normal person thinks it’s fine to ask someone not to exist…forever. I would have been a secret for a year or so while she got her senses together, but that wasn’t ever going to happen. She said so herself. One of my many sisters did try to get to know me and was pushed back into not talking me. Another cousin knew about me years before I found them, we started a friendship and my first mother and maybe bio uncle (and I have it in writing) told her to block me and pretend I don’t exist. So she followed because they don’t  know the difference between loyalty and succumbence.

When you start a friendship with me but then immediately drop it because your aunt and/or your dad (my first mother and uncle) tell you to stop talking to me and to block me because I’m not to exist to anyone they know, and you follow this because you can’t stop and think that at times your parents or elders should not be respected when their requests hinder on the emotional well being of others and are unempathetic and discriminatory and yet you’re marrying an adoptee (and oh yes I told him the shenanigans) I should have walked away at the beginning because no normal person thinks it’s fine to ask someone not to exist…forever. I would have been a secret for a year or so while she got her senses together, but that wasn’t ever going to happen. She said so herself. One of my many sisters did try to get to know me and was pushed back into not talking me. Another cousin knew about me years before I found them, we started a friendship and my first mother and maybe bio uncle (and I have it in writing) told her to block me and pretend I don’t exist. I should have walked away at the beginning because no normal person thinks it’s fine to ask someone not to exist…forever. I would have been a secret for a year or so while she got her senses together, but that wasn’t ever going to happen. She said so herself. One of my many sisters did try to get to know me and was pushed back into not talking me. Another cousin knew about me years before I found them, we started a friendship and my first mother and maybe bio uncle (and I have it in writing) told her to block me and pretend I don’t exist. So she followed because they don’t  know the difference between loyalty and

I should have walked away at the beginning because no normal person thinks it’s fine to ask someone not to exist…forever. I would have been a secret for a year or so while she got her senses together, but that wasn’t ever going to happen. She said so herself. One of my many sisters did try to get to know me and was pushed back into not talking me. Another cousin knew about me years before I found them, we started a friendship and my first mother and maybe bio uncle (and I have it in writing) told her to block me and pretend I don’t exist. So she followed because they don’t  know the difference between loyalty and succumbence. The funny thing is, she’s marrying an adoptee and after dealing with this crap since 2015, you bet I emailed her fiance the whole scoop. He can make his own decision from here of what he wants to do, but you treat an adoptee like shit- one you wanted to be friends- with and then you want to marry one? Girl you trippin’.

I should have walked away at the beginning because no normal person thinks it’s fine to ask someone not to exist…forever. I would have been fine being a secret for a year or so while she got her senses together and told people and let them contact me, but that wasn’t ever going to happen. She said so herself. Frankly, I don’t need that type of thinking and dysfunction in my life. They need a therapist more than they need me. Being in my life is a privilege.

It’s time people stop thinking it’s okay to treat adoptees like second class citizens and dirty secrets. Today I had to make the most painful move ever of my life.

During this journey it has taught me so, so, so much on people and labels. Don’t ever assume people someone is middle class they are nice people. Don’t assume because someone goes to church every Sunday that they have a kind heart. Kind people don’t ask people to be dirty secrets or find it acceptable, don’t give them the silent treatment, don’t change the story around, don’t ignore someone simply for who they are; troubled people do that. I’ve had support from the types of people society would automatically judge as terrible, horrible people.

Excuse me while I take a breath and become a stronger woman for it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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