Having worked with children from every cultural, racial, geographical, and economic background possible from the billionaire level to homeless, and their parents, I’m more than well aware that there are good parents and bad parents of every economic background and age bracket. I’m also aware we live in a society (American, British, Australian, even Chinese today, etc) that makes excuses like “wait until you have kids” and “don’t judge parents you don’t live in their house” when I say the word “bad parents”. In these cases I truly mean bad. Parents who have pimped out their eleven year old to support their heroin habit. Parents who let their children run around screaming in a restaurant, tossing plates, and climbing under other people’s tables. You don’t need to have children in order to know these examples show atrocious parenting, with obviously the first example being a million times worse. I could tell you nightmares of case files I have had to go over, but I cannot actually get into specifics. Cases that would make you fully support the death penalty for people who murder a child, and a strong agreement that anyone who rapes a child should get the death penalty provided DNA evidence is used (I’d be all for the death penalty if we actually had DNA evidence in cases, but alas over 50% of men on death row have never had DNA evidence in their cases and still nobody has paid the money to get their DNA tested. I’d be all for the death penalty if Alabama would stop allowing judges to say guilty when an entire jury of their peers votes not guilty because it has murdered too many poor, White men through false accusations and saved just a few).
So you see, regardless of where you live there are good parents and bad parents of every age bracket and every economic bracket and with my experience I have seen more lousy parenting from the upper class. Now, I’m not painting a wide brush saying all upper class parents are lousy. Certainly not doing that! However, what I am saying is whilst we constantly have this “but parents in inner city schools (poor public/government run schools) don’t even show up” honestly that is a lot better than what is dealt with in upper class school districts. Want to know some issues? Well, here we go. A student who tried to kill the school psychologist via suffocation and his father lawyer saying he did it because of his ADHD. Last time I checked, ADHD does not cause extremely violent behaviour. Or how about a well heeled couple who adopted a girl from central America who kicked her out of the house for being raped (because oh yes we take “such good care in finding good, forever homes” *cough, sarcasm, cough*). Would you like to hear about how in one wealthy school district the best mathematics teacher that school ever had was fired because he gave a C+ to a student whose parents demanded he deserved an A, yet that student was not doing his homework and didn’t show up for all of his classes and had no valid reasoning. I cannot even begin to tell you the number of upper class parents I have dealt with who make excuse after excuse after excuse for their child’s absolutely horrible behavior and/or extreme rudeness (like telling a lunch lady she should have done something better with her life so she wouldn’t have “this stupid job”) or sticking their heads’ in the sand refusing to believe their son or daughter has a problem with drugs and/or alcohol. Denial is extremely annoying to me.
This isn’t to say there aren’t good upper class parents or bad poor parents. When working with low income children it can be very hard to get through to them as often, according to what they say and from actually seeing it, they are often disciplined through screaming or being hit. Again, this does not describe every individual household, but I’m not a politically correct person so I say what I have seen.
So, let’s get to story behind the title. You’ll see at the end how this is tied into adoption.
I absolutely loved living in Canada’s most beautiful town. I lived there from 1999 to 2010 minus one year when I did a gap year in Europe. Yes, I’m American but this was my home during some weekends, summers, and holidays. I had a darling friend when living there who has not a single mean bone in her body, but her sister was a much different story.
Everything seemed very well. Then one night her Mum, who I had been close to, asked me to stay over at their house to watch the cats and my Mum and her Mum took so and so (who I am convinced is a sociopath) to hospital for reasons I will not explain. The next morning, a hot morning I can remember, I went to check on her. She gave me a hug, was crying, and told me everything which I will not share. I offered my help, and she accepted it. Later we swam in their pool.
Two weeks later everything changed and a nightmare eight years long commenced. Between that hot August day, which will be eight years in two days come to think of it, and a fortnight later I had had absolutely no contact with her or any member of that family although I was still in Canada I was doing other things and communicating with other people. Two weeks later, she absolutely hated me. She refused to talk to me, would throw extreme tantrums (and did as recently as late 2014), falsely accuse me of things (and did so as recently as 2014), say she wants nothing to do with me, etc. Yet in those two weeks, and afterward I did not accuse her of anything.
I did mention to her Mum what she had told me and her Mum became extremely defensive getting in my face and saying “she goes to me for help, not you!” The Mum’s behaviour became belligerent, very much like that of an unruly teenager according to my Mum. I wasn’t stepping on toes. She confided in me and she was just a few months shy from being an adult. The Mum even asked me for any advice on this particular health problem.
Anytime I tried to speak with her for years after, to try and clear the air and figure out where the miscommunication went wrong I was blocked by the parents, and the parents started to accuse me of things I never did nor intended towards their daughter. I flat out called them bad parents and even to this day my parents, who are still friends with them and either are in refusal of what happened or are too blind to realize that it’s the young person (me) and not the rich, elderly adults who are right or, I’m sorry to say, just too plain dumb to examine what really happened, say I was in the wrong to call them bad parents. I definitely was not. A good parent would have both sides sit down for a mature chat and clear the air to figure out where the miscommunication occurred. A good parent would apologize for getting so defensive, even if it was years ago because I find it extremely odd that their daughter got along with me and then a fortnight later suddenly hates me forever.
I put up with a huge amount of crap from this daughter. The accusations, the explosiveness, the snobbiness, the suddenly being nice and learning she was manipulating me, and more. I’m the type of person where I can only take so much and I will give you a dose of your medicine. So, of course, when she did something wrong they made excuses. When I, for example after dealing with one of her behaviours for nine long months, exploded her parents demanded I apologize. I even tried to be nice and congratulate her on something she was proud to achieve only to be basically told to go f*** myself and making more false accusations about me in another of her extreme wobblies. I told her employer, who didn’t care to look at facts, and her parents were pissed. The “my child can do no wrong”. If there’s one type of parents I cannot stand it’s those who will make excuses for their child but then expect everyone to treat their child like glass.
This is how a sociopath behaves. They purposely push your buttons. It’s a game to them. They manipulate you and charm you so you think things are improving and then will whack you emotionally out of nowhere will an extreme change in behaviour and/or with false accusations. They make accusations about you, they tell you incredibly hurtful things, etc and then they turn around and pretend they are the victim and make you look like the bad guy. This is what I dealt with. This is what a sociopath does. To them, it is a game and it’s very hard to learn you are playing their game, so I hope this helps others to understand to a sociopath or psychopath it is only a game. On the outside they look like such a kind, charming person. On the inside they target specific people and they love to toy with you. They have no remorse. If they did have remorse they would come forward and claim where they went wrong and want to solve the issues. Sociopaths will never come forward because in their mind they simply don’t care. They know what they are doing is wrong, but they simply do not care.
Antisocial personality disorder is characterized by:
Requires a medical diagnosis
Those with antisocial personality disorder tend to lie, break laws, act impulsively, and lack regard for their own safety or the safety of others. Symptoms may lessen with age.
People may experience:
Behavioral: antisocial behavior, deceitfulness, hostility, irresponsibility, manipulativeness, risk taking behaviors, aggression, impulsivity, irritability, or lack of restraint
Mood: anger, boredom, or general discontent
Also common: physical substance dependence or substance abuse
I look at this and know while I cannot say yes to every single thing on this list I can say yes to nearly all of it, and so I know I survived a sociopath.
One thing they forget to mention in this list is that sociopaths are very intelligent (usually) and she is very gifted. When I tried telling her Mum, in a kind way trying to show some love to her daughter who treated me like shit for years, that she is very intelligent her Mum even became defensive over that, and here I was giving a compliment to someone who has had no remorse, no empathy, made false accusations, and then got mad when I let her have a taste of her own medicine after trying to be nice or ignore her for years.
This went on and off, on and off, on and off from 2009 to 2014. I tried again to develop a friendship with the parents because her sister was a best friend to me (and in my heart will always be a best friend) but it just couldn’t work.
Anti social personality disorder is not uncommon. 1 in 25 Americans can be labeled a sociopath or psychopath according to Dr. Martha Stout. Although this woman I dealt with is not American, I can imagine for Brits (as they are actually British) the statistics are probably 1 in 25 (just tried to do a quick research and did not find the number. Yes, I still need to do research for the China article from yesterday).
You will never win with a psychopath or sociopath so don’t even try. If their parents are too blind or too much in denial, or you’re dealing with just a pain in the ass person who isn’t a psychopath, their parents might just be too blind or too much in denial. Denial is one of the most detrimental, stupid, unhelpful emotions a human can display. Don’t try to be nice to them. They will find a way to fault you for your kindness. Don’t try to get back at them (ie telling their employer their abominable behaviour) not because they don’t deserve it (they certainly do) but because when a person has no remorse and no empathy any form of punishment means nothing to them (except maybe the death penalty or life in prison) and because they are very intelligent and highly charming they will find a way to have others think they are the victim and you are just some jealous maniac. Remember the sociopath is playing a game with you, and they will keep trying to pull you back in. The key to winning is to know they are trying to pull you back in. This is no different than the abusive spouse who keeps saying sorry and then continues to beat his or her spouse. Fool me once, shame on you…fool me twice, shame on me.
I’m going to recommend for you a book that completely opened my eyes to help me realise I was dealing with a sociopath. It’s called The Sociopath Next Door and was written by Dr. Marth Stout of Havard Medical School. This is a book every single person who can read the English language should read. It’ll help you know the signs of anti social personality disorder, how to handle such a person, how to get out of a sticky situation, and occupations they frequent in.
Another person you want to look into is Dr. Kevin Dutton of Oxford University who has created the psychopath list (okay, it’s more scientifically named) and I’ll have you know a Brit only needs 25 yeses to be listed as a sociopath/psychopath and can be labeled one as young as 16 years old whereas an American has to make 30 yeses and can’t be labeled as one until 18.
As for bad parents? Well, these opulent, older parents were dropping off their little sociopath when she was a teenager to parties where there was sex with adults, drugs, and drinking, and were basically rewriting her homework.
So, here is how we tie this into adoption. We go back to what was said in the beginning of this article. We need to stop thinking that a young parent, even a teenage parent, or a poor parent is going to be a worse parent than one who is rich and/or one who didn’t have their firstborn until their late thirties or forties. I know a plethora of teenage parents who did incredibly well and have a family friend out in San Diego who was raised by a single father. His father became a dad at seventeen years old and ended up becoming a surgeon! So, please stop thinking that a junior in high school can never make it if he or she has a baby. I have a friend who is in his early thirties and had his first child at sixteen years old. He is an incredible father, finished high school, and has a career that pays well enough to support himself and his now five children.
The multibillion dollar adoption empire, that is less regulated than the real estate industry and has no oversight, has brainwashed us (Americans, Brits, Canadians, Spaniards, etc) with this false notion that if parents have more money than the child will be better off. I grew up in a well off area and can tell you without a doubt the most grumpy, miserable people I have met have been those who are loaded. I’ve also met very cheerful, extremely rich people as well. The point is being opulent does not guarantee happiness. The adoption empire has painted this idea that materialism is the key to happiness.
The multibillion dollar adoption empire has made nearly everyone false believe that if someone has a baby when they are older they will, therefore, be a better parent due to life experiences. The fact of the matter is, it certainly isn’t like that. Any teacher can tell you that because they can tell you they have dealt with amazing parents who say had Billy when they were just nineteen and they have dealt with parents where they mark on the calendar how many days until little Annabelle will be out of their class because her sixty year old parents are the rudest people who should have never been able to reproduce because they have caused nothing but constant grief for Ms. Appleblossom the fifth grade teacher everyone else seems to love.
Sociopaths without a single doubt work in the adoption industry and adopt infants from the adoption industry and the sealing of original birth certificates and the myth of birthparent privacy was started by a psychopath named Georgia Tann. Their charm and manipulation get girls and women to give away their babies (subtle force or brute force) and their charm gets them babies (ie Joan Crawford, actress, adopter and psychopath). No, not every adoption agency worker is a sociopath but they sure are rife in the industry. I’m also aware how many pro-life people blindly go to work in the business not being aware that adoption is not the answer to abortion not even for rape conceived babies (another article for another night) and they think they are doing something good. Manipulation -often subtle, pretending to be your friend or concerned about you, cuts contact with you after they get what they want, tells you half truths, pressures you via guilt tripping, oh yes there are plenty of sociopaths who work in the adoption field.
There’s another side to this to. That is adoptive parents and/or adoption agencies can paint a false picture of the first parents or members of the biological family. They might say comments like “they loved you very much”. Be prepared that this might not be the case. My own biological family (99%) are horrible to me, not because I have done anything wrong but because I exist. I am seen as this horrific person because I told people in the family I exist. My sisters are being duped into thinking asking someone to be your dirty secret is normal and/or acceptable behaviour and, at least one, has the incapability to put herself in my shoes and show empathy towards me (although she is not a psychopath, she is just extremely uninformed and lacks the understanding to know the difference between loyalty and succumbence as do all of my half siblings old enough to know about me). You could end up finding a first mother who you were told “loved you very much” who instead gives a very cold, unhappy response when being found, and who gives you the cold shoulder for telling others you exist, members of your own family (and I put up with so much of that crap until I outed my own blood family to some of their friends. Treat me like shit and I will let people know the real you).
When you search you never know what you are going to find. You might find a psychopath. You might find someone with narcissistic personality disorder.
“Narcissistic personality disorder is found more commonly in men. The cause is unknown but likely involves a combination of genetic and environmental factors.
Symptoms include an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others’ feelings, an inability to handle any criticism, and a sense of entitlement.
The disorder needs to be diagnosed by a professional. Treatment involves talk therapy.”
Remember 1 in 25 Americans is a psychopath. They come from every background. You need to keep this in mind when you search. The stories you heard may not be true. The person you thought was wonderful might be a psychopath or a narcissist or just a coldhearted twatwaffle who wants to make you look like the bad guy. The person you were told is rude, unsympathetic, even dangerous might actually be a wonderful person.
I wish I wasn’t told these fabrications that my biological family “loved me very much” or that they were “too poor to care for me”. Both are incredibly false. Are they psychopaths? No. Do I think they are good, kind people? No, and that’s very hard for me to admit to and to even agree with, but good, kind people don’t pretend others don’t exist and then paint them as the bad guy for telling others they exist. They are family members who are in incredible need of therapy, and their so called “friends” who are adoption agency workers need to fuck right off (sorry to the nuns who read my blog for its strong language at times). Sorry but when it comes down to nuns and police being appalled by their behaviour towards me, and said behaviour doesn’t change you see why I tell you be prepared for anything and be prepared to find out what you were told were lies. See people who are nasty to others, like how my biological family is to me, can change if they are willing to get therapy. Sadly a close biological cousin told me they won’t. Psychopaths cannot change; at least not in this day and age (hopefully some day with better medical technology). I do ask in the miracle they (or even one) becomes nice to me that we forgive and forget, and I do thank one in particular for reaching out and at least trying until said family member was thrown back into submission as they have yet to learn the difference between loyalty and succumbence, and to show empathy for a family member they just found out about. I’m being painted as the bad guy by my first mother when the only bad guys here are the ones who didn’t support her back when I was born so she could keep me.
Be prepared because at some point in your life you will deal with a psychopath and they could come from anywhere. Be prepared in your search that you might discover a biological relative who is a psychopath or learn that the people who adopted your child are psychopaths. Be prepared for difficult people even if they are not psychopaths.