I felt like this needed to be written because lately I’ve come across people assuming that adoptees should all be grateful for the adoptive parents who raised them. It’s a gross, but understandable, assumption that society makes because they don’t realize that not all adoptive parents are good parents. I’m sure there has to be some people out there who assume that I personally hate all adoptive parents with what I write about adoption. Don’t be silly, of course I don’t hate all adoptive parents. In fact, I like the vast majority of them. Well, maybe not the vast majority as my own adoptive dad said once upon a time “most adopters are self centered” when he was talking about how so many adopters have this mine attitude, and discourage their adopted children from search and reunion.
That being said, maybe my dad is wrong. I sure hope so, and I sure hope most adoptive parents are encouraging of search and reunion. Also, it doesn’t matter if they are or not. It’s sad to know, at least in the not too distant past, that some states (or at least one state) demand adult adoptees have permission from their adoptive parents to search for biological family. This perpetrates an adult to be treated like a child, no different than not releasing sealed original birth certificates. But alas, let’s get to the point.
It’d be silly for me, and for you, to hate all adoptive parents or say even most. For the most part, it is not the adoptive parents that are the problem (some are), but it’s the adoption agency workers, lawyers (nearly all), judges (some), and the adoption industry itself (basically the CEOs and directors on top making a slew of money such as Betsy DeVos’s brother, director of Bethany Christian Services). Now, you may say yes the adoptive parents are the problem since they are the ones wanting the babies to begin with. I say no they are not. Here is why. Because, when we are discussing adoptive parents we have so many kinds. We have step parent adoptions, adopting older children from foster care, adopting from orphanages, and infant domestic adoptions with the last two being the biggest. Within these last three can we honestly blame adoptive parents when they too are bamboozled and lied to by the adoption industry? Yes, lied. Lied and told that this child has no family or no family that can properly care for them, when entire countries’ agencies and international adoptions have been shut down because some of these kids came from middle class families. Can we honestly blame adoptive parents when they are lied to and told adopting a baby will cure their pain of infertility? Certainly not.
We also need to look at the fact that yes, some of these kids had they remained within their families would have died, or they would have languished away in an orphanage. Now, I do realize for some adoptees who are grown they had better experiences in their orphanage than in their adoptive homes, and I do recognize that abuse that took place or lack of happiness.
The problem here folks isn’t the adoptive parents, in most scenarios, but in the system itself. I discussed this in my article called The Right Kinds of Adoptions if you’d like to look it up.
There’s a lack of education out there. A lack of education to adoptive couples and potential adoptive couples that does not teach them about legal guardianship, does not teach them that the adoption industry has done nothing to help many illegally adopted Korean born adoptees (15,000 between the 1950s and 1980s) obtain their naturalization because as of right now they can’t legally vote, marry, or work, does not advocate to unseal original birth certificates and covers up the human trafficking involved in some of these states such as Minnesota and New York through the human trafficker Georgia Tann, does not tell adoptive parents and potential adoptive parents that babies are not blank slates, does not tell adoptive parents or potential adoptive parents the problems of sealed original birth certificates which mounts to stealing one’s identity, discrimination, and in some cases denying adoptees a passport meaning there are adoptees right here and now who cannot travel outside of the country simply for being adopted. You know who else can’t? Those who have committed a Federal crime. So, adoptive parents ask yourself why some adoptees in our great land are being treated like criminals. The industry does not tell adoptive parents a lot, but most importantly they don’t tell adoptive parents that adoption could be so much better in this country. I wrote two articles if you want to look them up. One is 100 Things Wrong with Adoption and the other is How to Fix Adoption. You see, it’s not normally about the adoptive parents that ruffles my feathers, but the simple fact that we could have ethical, non discriminatory adoptions in this country by doing three simple things:
- Giving a certificate of adoption instead of sealing the original birth certificate.
- Abolishing closed adoptions and legally enforcing open adoptions.
- Demanding those who adopt a baby of a teen in foster care must adopt the teen as well, and all extended family members in the biological families are interviewed first to see if they can and should take the baby or child.
Just three basic things could make a world of difference. So what adoptive parents are bad.
- Abusive ones.
- Ones who murder their adopted children.
- Ones who close an open adoption for no good reason.
- One who discourage searching.
- Ones who used every trickery and manipulation in the book to get their hands on a baby.
I would like to believe most adoptive parents went into the idea of adoption to help a child. Infant adoption is held up with this false belief perpatrated by the adoption industry, that a baby was in need. Adoptive couples are have information withheld from them that at least in the US, 97% of infant adoptions are preventable. This isn’t to say all, as some are well aware the natural mother or extended family could raise the child but put their egocentrism ahead of civility. Of course, once again, not all as I’ve come across adoptive parents who strongly believe if a pregnant mother can find help, then by all means do what she can to keep her own child. Nor does the adoption industry when it comes to domestic infant adoptions explain that the money they are using to adopt could instead by given to the pregnant mother in need in order for her to keep her baby. It just doesn’t cross the minds of most because the idea is never mentioned. Nor will I deny that some adoptions have saved lives (and no I do not mean that it saved babies from abortion) such as abused children and special needs children born in countries where they are terribly seen as curses, the only difference is that they never needed to occur with a sealed original birth certificate.
I sometimes come across fellow adoptees who are so angry that they think no mother should lose her child to adoption. I agree that nobody should have a closed adoption, because it is abuse, and nobody should have their identity stolen through sealed original birth certificates, but to claim infants and children should never go live with someone else; a new family is absolutely ludicrous when the parents are drug addicts or the biological family is abusive and does not further our cause for adoptee equality and adoption reformation.
I will always question adoptive parents as to their intentions for adoption and what kind of adoption they have. As a child rights advocate and adoptee rights advocate it is my business to know if this was a necessary adoption or not (minus the fact none should ever seal).
So, to sum it up yes there are great adoptive parents out there. Ones who had an adoption failed but were happy to see the child raised by his mother, ones who encourage to search, ones who do an open adoption and keep it open, ones who travel back with their child to his or her country of origin, ones who gave a child a home who literally did not have one, and more.