I said I wasn’t going to discuss the topic of adoption unless it was the month of November, National Adoption Month; the month when the multibillion dollar adoption industry pours out propaganda like Niagara Falls, but I feel this needs to be written. People need to read this, and more importantly they need to absorb this and reflect upon it, and that includes other adoptees at times.
Here is a list of things not to say to adoptees. I’ve also added some things that should never be said to adoptive parents. You’ll know the difference. I explain in bold why they should not be said.
- Adoption is the loving option- this is said by people who are supposedly prolife, but supporting adoption, which equivalates to a lifetime of discrimination, is not prolife but probirth. Don’t feel bad if you didn’t know this. Adoption is not the answer to abortion as I explained on here a long time ago (see article with the photo of Chuck Norris). Telling an adoptee that a loving option was being given away and the loss of their original family, original birth certificate, and more is not loving. Adoption is not a loving option. Adoption is caused because: a new mother is pushed into it subtly, a new mother is pushed into it forcefully, she has nobody helping her financially and emotionally which leads one to wonder why they are spending tens of thousands to adopt a baby instead of giving that money to the mother. Do not feel bad if you’re an adoptive parent who never thought of doing this because the idea had never been presented to you. Adoption is not the loving option when we look at some biological fathers who abandoned their babies for whatever reason. Adoption is legalised abandonment for those who want a legal way to not parent their children. When it comes to adoption we almost never discuss the biological fathers. Yes, some did want to be parents. Yes, many are screwed over by the adoption industry (same as the abortion industry). However, some biological fathers wanted to hide what they did and claim no responsibility like a real man would by abandoning mother and child.
2. Gotcha Day- it’s creepy and sounds like a surprised kidnapping.
3. I can’t even tell you’re adopted- this is especially stupid to say to an adoptee that looks absolutely nothing like their adoptive parents. It completely ignores their story, their loss, the discrimination they endure as an adoptee, and is disrespectful to them as a person and to their ethnicities or race(s).
4. I know many happy adoptees- do you now? Amazing! Guess what I and other educated adoptees know? Adoptees who were threatened from day one of adoption to be grateful and swear their loyalty by never searching for biological family or making mention of any chances needed in adoption such as access to original birth certificates and the need to address the high suicide rate amongst adoptees. Even if you know a happy adoptee, or are a happy adoptee, you should not use this to silence any adoptee who shares their story and/or shares facts about the problems with adoption.
5. Why would you even want to search? This is not even a genuine question. It really means “you ungrateful brat, bow down to your saviors; the adoptive parents.” It completely disregards science; the fact that the adoptee has other family members out there they are biologically connected to, and yes biology means something. It also makes the assumption that the adoptive parents were good people. This is also said because the adoption industry has painted this picture that adoptive parents have failed if their child wants to search. Some agencies are no longer saying or believing this, but they simultaneously do all they can by not supporting search and reunions by the fact none have ever advocated for the unsealing of original birth certificates and the need for true psychological care for mothers of adoption loss, and fathers, so that a reunion can happen for all; first mother, adoptee, and others biological family members.
6. I’m adopted. I never thought of adoption like that. Just because you as an adoptee who want to ignore the fact that adoption is discrimination and adoption is starting of with loss does not mean others want to hear you’re blatant ignorance.
7. Why would you want to bother your birthmother? Why are you blaming the adoptee? This is the problem with abortion and with out of family infant adoption. It blames the baby, the child, the adult adoptee or the dead baby for something they never did. The adoptee upon reunion, as in when making contact not necessarily a cheery reunion, is not the one causing the problems. Being found, for anyone, can cause a volcano of emotions to erupt that have been buried for years. Albeit painful, this eruption of emotions is healthy and leads to healing along with prayer. Asking this question equivalates to putting blame on a person for something they were not a willing participant of.
8. What if she was raped? It is a myth that rape conceived babies are bad reminders. For more information see the story of my friend Jennifer Christie. Again, this question puts blame on the adoptee and assumes they need to hide or disappear for something they never did. It retards the progress of healing for both first mother and adoptee, and all else effected.
9. You could’ve ended up in a toilet. Really now? You felt the need to say this why? Does this one even need an explanation. Most women who lose their babies to adoption, or find a legalised way to abandon them through adoption, did not choose abortion or were not persuaded or pushed into abortion. You too, non adoptee, could’ve ended up in a toilet too.
10. You were specially chosen. No, not really. Adoptees are not specially chosen. Potential adoptive parents get a list of babies or children to look through and pick through a generalised group of what they want. Adoption agencies pass out babies to whoever is home.
11. Maybe your biological mother has gone on with her life. Unless she is a psychopath a mother never does. To any claiming they have they are bluffing.
12. Respect her right to privacy. First mothers are never granted privacy or confidentiality. Nobody is. Only those in the Witness Protection Program are and those with a restraining order. A first mother does not need nor deserve privacy. Same concept for any other biological family member. Stop blaming the adoptee for consequences that happened that were not their fault. Thank you God bless.
13. You’re so lucky to be adopted- even if you yourself were raised in an abusive, biological family. An adoptee does not have to feel lucky. All adoptions start with loss, even if that loss means the loss of living with biological family because they are dangerous people. All adoptions mean discrimination; closed adoptions being the worst. Some adoptees were raised by really terrible adoptive parents, and some today are not here because they were murdered or committed suicide because of those terrible adoptive parents.
14. You got a pretty one- sounds like you are congratulating someone on their shopping for a baby. As if they went to Babies R Us and looked for a pretty baby. However, yes some adoptive parents in decades past have been revolting enough to do this.
15. Where are your real parents? To adoptees who they consider to be their real parents is entirely up to them. Yes, if we talk about science then their biological parents are still their parents through science. However, I mean real parents both in a realistic sense and in a colloquial sense. Someone, for example, who is adopted by their stepfather after their biological father tried to murder their mother is probably going to be deeply offended when you say, “where is your real father?” Likely, to a person like that, their only real father is their adoptive stepdad.
16. Sorry you had a bad experience, but…. But what? That but just means but I don’t really care to truly listen to your story and listen to the problems with adoption you have presented. However, it is acceptable to say something such as, “sorry you had a bad experience. As an adoptive mom I have been advocating to make sure no adopted child is placed in a bad home, and that adoption agencies are held accountable for giving children to murderers.” or “sorry you had a bad experience. It’s wrong for adoptees to be rejected under any circumstances.” or “sorry you had a bad experience. I didn’t know adoptees, especially closed adoptees, deal with all of that.”
17. Every single adoption is different- Actually, no. The reasoning as to why most mothers lose their babies to adoption is overwhelmingly the same. 95 to 97% do so because of a lack of financial resources. Hence again, I pose the same question I posed in question #1.
18. We all have our crosses to bear. After having volunteered in a shelter with extremely abused teens even still this is an inappropriate comment to give to adoptees. If you woke up tomorrow not knowing where your family is, not having your biological family medical information, possibly being denied a passport and forbidden to leave the country, not having your real, authentic birth certificate, and more maybe, just maybe you’d begin to know what it is exactly like to be a closed adoptee.
19. Your birthmother loved you so much. Unless you have actually met her do not make this assumption. She could be an evil, horrible person. More likely she is a good, but damaged person (no matter how cheery a first mother acts adoption damages all mothers except psychopaths) who was bamboozled in some manner into adoption. Telling an adoptee their birthmother loved them so much that they gave them away. Would you want to be told that?
20. Placed for adoption. Adoptees are not placed for adoption. Adoptees are given away to adoption or adoptees are forcibly taken by the state or province for genuine or corrupt reasons.
21. Why were you given up? Unless the adoptee is a very close friend of yours and they have started the conversation first about their own adoption, probably not a good idea to ask. That would be like one of us adoptees asking you, why are you a hundred pounds heavier than when I saw you a few years ago? Likely a personal reason you wouldn’t want to explain.
22. We couldn’t have children of our own. Well, unless you are acknowledging the fact you literally are raising someone else’s child, and even better it’s a fully open adoption, this is completely rude to say if it’s meant in a demeaning way of our own biological son would’ve been more important to us.
23. I want to adopt from a country that is fast and cheap. Well, thank you for exposing the fact that adoption is a multibillion dollar industry that is baby shopping, no offense to the millions of loving adoptive parents who were unaware of this, but the fact you want a child “fast and cheap” sounds like you have no regard for the fact that sounds a lot like human trafficking. Although if you look at the research of Roelie Post and Arun Dohle internation adoption is currently rife with human trafficking.
24. I could never take on someone else’s problem. Children are not a problem.
25. Using You’re Adopted as a joke.
26. You don’t speak for all adoptees. Actually yes I do. I speak for all adoptees when I say we all deserve our obcs. I speak for all adoptees when I say we all deserve our biological family medical information. I speak for all adoptees when I say we should be allowed connections to biological family. I speak for all adoptees when I say it’s time to abolish closed adoptions. I speak for all adoptees when I say it’s time to legally enforce open adoptions. I speak for all adoptees when I say adoptees are more likely to be incarcerated. I speak facts for adoptees.
27. We’re all entitled to our opinions. Unless adoption directly affects you no you do not get an opinion, your opinion is moot even when it agrees with the vast majority of adoptees. No, your brother who was adopted does not count as adoption directly affecting you. Frankly, as adoptees we don’t want to hear your opinions because often people who are completely uneducated on adoption try to spew their opinions like they’re facts. You are however allowed to say facts and we love our fact giving supporters. For example: Open adoptions are shams and most close or another fact suicide rates of adoptees are higher than non adoptees. I’d very much like people not directly affected to have opinions, many of us adoptees would, but we’ve come to be nothing but frustrated for decades now as people spew completely uneducated opinions and then arrogantly try to pass them off as facts and then when us adoptees tell the truth all we get in return are people with their fingers in their ears.
28. I wish I had been adopted. Of course I wish some people out in the world were raised in loving homes. I have a British friend who literally has no family. Her mother has narcissistic personality disorder, is a vile woman, and has denied her contact to her younger siblings. This gets tricky because yes I would prefer that abused children and abused adults with abusive parents, because it’s not like the abuse is any less painful just because you’re an adult, were adopted into loving homes. However, the problem is adoption equivalates to discrimination for various reasons I’ve explained on this blog plenty of time, it does not guarantee a safe and loving home, and the entire adoption industry needs an incredible revamp. Needless to say, claiming “I wish I had been adopted” completely disregards the story an adoptee is trying to share with you. It completely brushes off the fact every adoptee loses their first family, original birth certificate, and more. Perhaps say, “I wish I had been adopted so I didn’t grow up with a terrible mother, but I do strongly believe in equal rights for adoptees and I hope they achieve them.” PS. My British friend has not once said she wished she had been adopted.
29. Superman was adopted. Superman is a fictional character. If you mean this so that adopted children have someone to look up to again, Superman is a fictional character. Have them look up to actual adoptees, and preferably those who buck the system.
30. Love makes a family, biology doesn’t mean anything. This is well meaning but the fact of the matter is that biology means something. Plenty of scientific evidence out there to show that biology does mean something. When you lose someone or someone is a jerk to you it’s one thing if say it’s a fellow employee, but trying to compare that to one’s own mother like what my British friend endures just simply is not comparable. I should not my friend is not adopted but her life is extremely similar to an adoptee’s. She has no contact with family and her original birth certificate is actually falsified and she can’t get a corrected one. The problem is is that when the phrase love makes a family is used it’s really geared towards adoption industry propaganda in the sense of trying to completely eradicate the biological family and make the assumption that all adoptive parents are loving. Mine are, not all are.
31. Where did you learn English from? Most adoptees from overseas came here as babies or toddlers.
32. You were specially chosen. No, no adoptee is specially chosen.
33. You should be grateful someone took you in. Why? Do you make the assumption every adoptee was found wandering on the sidewalk? I only know of one. Even if an adoptee was found in a horrendous place no they do not need to be grateful to their adoptive parents any more than you need to be grateful to your parents.
34. You need to move on. Do not presume to tell an adoptee what they need to do and not do. An adoptee will move on when they are ready, if they are ever ready. This is often said maliciously, and it’s because the adoption industry has formed this belief that adoptee and biological family, especially first mother have no significance to each other once the adoption has gone through when discussing closed adoptions. When said with the kindest of intentions it mentally forces an adoptee to futily attempt to move on from something he or she just cannot do regardless of how much they try and what they do. This is no different than if someone said to you, you need to forgive them when you are simply not ready to forgive someone.
35. Stop posting yourself as an expert on adoption because you adopted a child. Most of you are not experts.
36. Birthmothers make loving decisions instead of evil abortions. One, adoption is not the answer to abortion. I’ve already explained it on here. Two, stop shaming women and girls who have had an abortion. I say this being prolife. Three, stop assuming all are these sacrificing saints; some are quite horrible people.
37. Why are you so annoyed with adoption? The reason we don’t like this question is because nobody asks it genuinely. Maybe some day someone will genuinely ask and then it’ll be fine to ask.
38. But adoption gave you a better life. Adoption gave us a different life. The vast majority of adoptions did not save children in dire places, wasting away in some Nairobian orphanage with malaria and a bloated belly or found a baby screaming in the cold of Wisconsin found just in time before he would’ve frozen to death. The vast majority of adoptees came from original families where someone could’ve raised them. Most first mothers are from the middle class suburbs. Even when adoption did give someone a better life, and they know it for sure, this phrase can sometimes be used in conjucture to when an adoptee tries to explain what exactly adoptee equality is all about and the need to reconnect.
39. How do your parents feel about you searching? This isn’t about them. What they feel does not matter at all.
40. Ray Liotta is a successful adoptee. Why can’t you use the benefits of adoption and be successful yourself? Being a successful person has little to do with ones adoption. Ray Liotta, Steve Jobs, etc. these people would’ve been successful even if they hadn’t been adopted. You know why? Because it’s ingrained in someone. Someone who wants it that badly will do whatever it takes to turn their dreams into realities. Louis Armstrong is a great example of this.
41. Your parents are amazing for travelling all the way to XYZ country to get you. No, just no. I’m going to assume these adoptive parents adopted from overseas with the best of intentions. I have a friend who adopted a son from China. She isn’t some amazing person because she adopted from China. She’s just a nice, polite, down to Earth woman who believed that a child should not have to grow up in an orphanage and grow up in China without a huzou which would have denied him an entire childhood of education and health care. We both agree that it would be better for China to fix their child policy rule, their huzou rule, and other factors so that fewer children would be adopted and would be raised within their Chinese families in their own country.
42. Well, your birthmother had a chance to change her mind and keep you so clearly you were unwanted. First, you’re a horrible for saying that. Second, you’re ignorant because all too often adoption agencies don’t return the calls, letters, and emails when a first mother wants her baby within the legal time frame. Third, the legal time frame in most states is outrageously short. Fourth, people are involved in deep mental abuse in convincing her she is unworthy of being a mother for XYZ reason.
43. At least you got your answers. This one is said by other adoptees. Please, please stop saying this. When an adoptee searches for 47 years and finds out that their first parents are both deceased and their only close relative is their half brother and he’s like, “yeah whatever I don’t know you so no” because he simply doesn’t know how to be nice, and this is after the half brother has had plenty of time, say two years, three years to process the information, the phrase at least you got your answers is insensitive. Completely insensitive.
44. If you hadn’t been adopted you wouldn’t know the people you know today. Correct, and if you hadn’t moved to Indianapolis you wouldn’t know the people you know today. What does that have anything to do with the fact adoptees lose their biological families and are denied basic rights that non adoptees are granted?
45. As the mother, as the father of an adopted child If you’re going to speak about your adopted child’s experience with adoption don’t. Wait until he or she is old enough to speak about it himself. I take a lot of issue with people creating these gotcha videos online and our adoption story videos online. I can’t fully blame them because the adoption industry tells them to do it, and they don’t know any better. Not all adoptees want their adoption broadcasted to the world.
46. The Bible says we’re all adopted. Alright, I am going to put my Christian views on here. Yes, we are all adopted by God. Being adopted by God does not make you an adoptee. I am 100% convinced that God is furious with the multibillion dollar, loosely regulated, uncredentialed adoption industry and the discrimination towards adoptees, the manipulation done to first mothers and first fathers, and the lies told to adoptive parents.
47. There is no correct or incorrect manner in how to treat an adoptee upon reunion. Actually there is. It’s called with respect. Adoptees are not the fault of whatever bad circumstances happened. Please do not use my friend and my friend’s story who survived a rape and attempted murder by a serial killer and is raising a son from that ordeal, who yes is a completely normal boy, for your unkind and incorrect reasoning to ignore or belittle an adoptee. 75 to 85% of mothers who conceive in rape do not abort, and no they do not see their children as bad reminders. You are not respecting anyone by ignoring an adopted away relative who has found their family. You are being controlled. You are not respecting God. If you aren’t religious, then you are not respecting yourself. Believing that adoptees can be dealt with in any matter means you consider them mere objects, and well we know from past history what that has meant for other discriminated groups.