Before I begin this there are some things I need to clear up. Some people get confused and think I have very strong opinions. I don’t have strong opinions when it comes to adoption. I have strong facts. It is not okay to allow a veto on original birth certificates. It is not okay to pretend your adopted out relative doesn’t exist. It is not okay to keep original birth certificates sealed. It is not okay to deny a law abiding, good father the chance to sign the baby’s birth certificate and give him a chance to be a single father, and that includes teenage dads. It is not okay. I am so tired of people thinking any form of adoptee discrimination is acceptable, especially when it comes from other adoptees.
I used a picture of Dan Stevens because he’s an adoptee and for once I’d like to have some eye candy just to relax my mind a little.
What I present to you are not opinions. They are facts on how to fix adoption.
- Abolish closed adoption. It should be considered child abuse. Adoptees who have woken up and taken possession of the fact that closed adoption means: sometimes being a dirty secret, no obc, no story about your origins, no biological family medical information, no knowledge of heritage until ancestral DNA testing came along are awaken to the fact closed adoption is mental abuse. Closed adoption is pretending someone is dead or acting like you’re already dead. Anyone who advocates for closed adoption either doesn’t know his ass from his elbow if in one because they haven’t taken the time to research or because they have been guilt tripped into the “be thankful we adopted you” or they are not adopted at all and enjoy adopteesplaining, which is one someone tries to argue with an educated adoptee about adoption without being adopted themselves.
2. Legally enforce open adoption and give in court as much power to the first parents (or a first parent if the other is not safe) as to the adoptive parents. The adoption industry runs on the fact it lies to vulnerable girls and tells them open adoption is legally enforceable.
3. Stop sealing original birth certificates. Give a certificate of adoption instead to the adoptive parents.
4. Demand that the 14 states that still allow a convicted rapist visitation rights and partial custody of his children be abolished. Why is this even allowed? So many women would not be having abortions or feel compelled to give away their babies to adoption if they didn’t have to worry about their children or themselves coming in contact again with a “man” who should never be let out of prison. PS. I really like how in Nigeria if a man is caught raping anyone under 18 he has a huge rock tied to his testicles until they sometimes rip off. They then video tape it and I guarantee that’ll decrease violent crime rates. Too bad that isn’t legally allowed in Canada or the States. I totally approve of the Nigerian justice system in that circumstance.
5. Demand Utah and South Carolina no longer allow mothers to give away their babies to adoption if the baby’s law abiding, safe father signed the birth certificate and has expressed interest in wanting to parent, including teenage dads.
6. Make it a law that if a teenage girl in foster care becomes pregnant that whoever wants to adopt the baby must adopt the teenage mother as well. It’s selfish to take a teenage foster child’s baby but leave her to rot in the foster system. No, I don’t care if “she has problems”. Of course, she has problems if she’s a teen in foster care whose baby you’re taking away from her and a teen in the foster system to begin with and a teen in the foster system who got pregnant. You help both chidren, you do not help yourself to a child.
7. Give back original birth certificates to every adoptee including those under the age of 18. If we’re not going to seal original birth certificates any longer and give a certificate of adoption instead then there is no reason why every single adoptee shouldn’t know their original name and original parents right here and now.
8. Interview all extended family members of the pregnant or new mother who walked into an adoption agency and that of the baby’s father (if he is known). My own adoption is a perfect example of a 100% unnecessary adoption. My maternal side is a ginormous, middle class to upper middle class family with many couples who were married when I was born. It is time to end the shame and secrecy involved in unplanned pregnancies and rape conceived pregnancies. If the parents of the baby truly cannot raise their baby then the extended family of both sides is interviewed to see who can raise the baby. Since we would no longer seal original birth certificates there are various options including: in family open adoption that is legally enforced, kinship care, or legal guardianship. Legally enforced open adoption, whether in family or out of family if good family cannot be found, would give the first parents rights to see and hear from their child without it being closed. The only way visitations would stop is if the first parents do something really bad that can be proven such as showing up high to see their child.
9. Stop allowing pregnant children as young as 13 to talk with adoption agency workers and give away their baby to adoption without a trust adult knowing. This occurs in the United States. If the young child’s own parents are abusive then look to another trusted adult who is at least 25 years old such as a teacher.
10. Stop allowing the lawyers of adoption agencies or the lawyers of a potentially adopting couple to say they are representing the pregnant mother or new mother. A lawyer cannot be paid by someone else and represent you. Either you have to pay for your own lawyer out of your own pocket, or your lawyer has to work pro bono for you and not to be hired by another entity.
11. Stop the myth that all adoptions are safe or good. The adoption industry is a multibillion dollar, uncredentialed, no oversight, loosely regulated multi billion dollar industry and those billions do not given 100% efficiency to finding safe homes for children. 102 ot 105 adopted children were killed in 2015 by their adoptive parents. 1 child is one child too many. Even more sad, some of those kids, and these are terrible tragedies only in America I’m not even discussing terrible tragedies of elsewhere, were raped and then murdered. This fall, of 2017, a precious little girl adopted from India was tortured to death by her adoptive father for not drinking milk. It drives me batty when people say, “well biological parents sadly kill their children too.” It cannot be compared. It’s the job of these people to find safe homes for these children and they have failed. Miserably.
12. Take the money out of adoption. Adoption agencies use lies, deceit, manipulation, and subtle coercive language practices (you can argue all you want, but the fact is they do and I have given ample evidence over the years as have many others). They might show you other options but they want you to think adoption is going to be the best route. Why? Well, they make millions. Even the non-profit get back millions in tax returns. You see here’s the thing. Even if they are small, start up company and not one of the big box adoption agencies out there it’s the fact that if they don’t get vulnerable parents to give away their babies they don’t make money. It’s supply and demand. I know of an adoptee who went undercover, actually in a city where I used to hang out a lot (and never thought I’d say I miss it but I do), and she was told, “try to convince them not to keep their baby”. If we take the money out of adoption and make it 100% voluntary work we end the lies, deceit, manipulation etc. so long as voluntary workers don’t get anything like a Christmas bonus, extra paid days off, or a brand new canoe for how many babies they manage to adopt away. This needs to become a completely voluntary based things because when it becomes voluntary, if you look at what happened with Australia, 95% of adoptions will cease to ever occur. It’ll become finding homes for babies and children who need it, the truly orphaned, the truly neglected, the abused, and babies born on drugs or whose parents are on drugs with no stable extended family.
13. Stop the myth of birthparent privacy. Birthparent privacy does not exist. The original birth certificate is not sealed until the adoption is finalized, so if a baby if given away but ends up growing up in foster care he keeps his original birth certificate making privacy null and void. Birthparent privacy is a sugarcoated word for making an adoptee someone else’s dirty little secret. It’s emotional abuse and it is never okay. Now, I understand if a first mother was tricked into thinking it’s okay but once she knows better she must do better. The biological family of the adoptee, the adoptive family of the adoptee, friends of the adoptee, everyone must stop thinking it is ever appropriate or psychologically a good reason to make the adoptee a dirty secret. If the first mother’s life is in danger if her husband found out about her other child then it is time to find the mother a safe place to go and get her out of a dangerous marriage using the expert advice of a person, such as a lawyer, who works with such women. You are not honouring, respecting, or helping the mother of adoption loss (or father of adoption loss) by any means by refusing contact or ignoring your adopted out relative. This is not an opinion, it is a fact that is backed up by hundreds of first mothers, some who conceived their children badly, including groups such as Concerned United Birthparents. Veto abilities that are popping up in some provinces and states are telling mothers of adoption loss it’s okay to hide in your closet of shame, guilt, denial, and refuse to heal from your past. From a psychological standpoint it’s further damaging these tragic mothers, and causing harm to adoptees and their biological kin. Some day, some day people will have reason and comprehend that I talk with facts.
14. Listen to educated adoptees.
We get adoption the best. Why? Because we live it. We’re the least heard people but the most knowledgeable on the subject. A because we live it. B. because we’ve done our research.
15. Discuss the elephant in the room.
Psychological problems. Unless someone is a psychopath, they don’t give away their children and have no psychological residue from it. If they say they are over it or moved on they are without a single doubt lying. They’re not lying because they’re bad people. They’re lying because they were forced to lie all of their lives since the adoption took place. Even if a first mother says something along the lines of “adoption was a good choice because my son got a stable home” doesn’t mean that she didn’t have depression or PTSD. All women who lose their babies to adoption suffer at least some degree of a psychological problem with PTS (post traumatic stress) and depression being the most likely. Fertility problems then show up with first mothers having the highest rate of secondary infertlity. Other first mothers have numerous kept children to try and make up for the lost child. Depression and PTSD rates are outrageously high. Adoptees are 18 times more likely to have depression and/or anxiety than non adopted people and four times more likely to kill themselves. I think those statistics are for closed adoptees. I’m not sure. I cannot imagine in family adoption or completely open adoptions that stay open resulting in such abyssmal results for adoptees, but I need to look into that in time.
Look, some of the stuff I’m writing up tonight I’ve repeated several times. Adoptees are made to sing and dance like they are happy. First mothers, perhaps even more so today, are made to sing and dance and be the happy bee mommies so their open adoptions remain open. Parents who reject contact and/or ask other family members to ignore their adopted out child who found his or her family have psychological problems. The problem is we still have so many myths surrounding adoption, first parents, adoptees, and mental health that it makes it so complicated and so complex to get these people help. I say “something is psychologically wrong with you” and people will automatically think it’s a terribly rude thing to say. It’s not. People continue to think it is and the reason they do is because it’s been used as a diss for far too long. Mental health be it bipolar disorder, PTSD, depression, anxiety, OCD, whatever the case may be is something we need to discuss. If you were in my shoes and denied to know your real name, who you look like, your heritage growing up, and denied now to get to know your half sisters you too probably would have a really shitty level of anxiety. If you lost your child to adoption because your White parents didn’t approve that the baby is half black or because you’re only seventeen and in the foster system or because you live in Maryland where convicted rapists can get visitation rights of their rape conceived babies and you had to choose adoption to keep yourself and your baby protected or you lost your child to adoption because your narcissistic ex girlfriend gave him away behind your back when you signed his birth certificate, finished school, found yourself an apartment and a full time job and bought everything baby needs within 2 months yeah you wouldn’t be psychologically okay. This isn’t about choice. It’s time we stop saying “it’s a choice to be happy”. People don’t choose depression, just like people don’t choose to have cancer. If I tell anyone, and believe me I have, that they are not psychologically well and they need help it’s done out of love. It’s done to make them better. It’s not me or my wording that needs to change it’s societies’ be it Canadian, British, American. That may seem really bold of me to say, and opinionated but it’s not. Losing your family, losing your baby for any reason, any reason at all is a tragedy. This doesn’t mean you don’t love your adoptive parents (if they are good, like mine). It doesn’t mean you never laugh again or that you mope about all day until you succumb to an early death. It means all adoption starts in tragedy be it because the original parent is in prison, deceased on drugs, tricked into adoption because she’s financially scared, or a million other reasons because it is not human nature to split mother and child. Of course there will be times when splitting is necessary because you wouldn’t want a child being raised by someone who is snorting up crack (and no most first mothers are not drug addicts) but even then there is still tragedy. Let’s look at teenagers who are adopted after being abused by their biological family. I know such teenagers. They are very happy to be adopted, but they too have psychological problems because of the abuse and because their original families didn’t work out like they should have.
Bottom line is we really need to stop thinking mental health problems or admitting we have a mental health problem or telling someone they need to seek help is a bad thing or a rude thing. We also need to stop using phrases like “you’re nuts” “you’re insane” as vicious forms of bullying. I’ve had people tell me “you need psychological help” but they’re not doing it to be kind, they’re doing it because I’m made I told them that back in the 1960s unmarried women and girls who got pregnant were forced to give away their babies for adoptions, sometimes even handcuffed to the hospital beds and they’re just very upset I revealed this truth to them because no, it’s not easy to hear.
Nothing is going to really change until people get the psychological help they need and that includes for kept siblings because no, you’re not okay, or fine, or alright, or hunky dory after learning you have a sibling out there you didn’t know about. The shock has to be absolutely riveting but I strongly believe they deserve to know the truth, and if the first parent is refusing to tell or plans on never telling it’s up to the adopted out sibling if everyone is an adult. (Legally an adoptee cannot tell biological family under 18 about their existence. You do realize this is done because they don’t want the child to feel they too will be given away. Many adoptees, including myself, in our psyche deal with abandonment issues).
16. Make women’s studies and psychology look at adoption and its problems.
I can guarantee from just the bolded text of #16 alone people will get defensive and say not all adoptions are bad. Where did I say all adoptions are bad? Sealing the original birth certificate is bad but would you want those teenagers I know to have remained with their abusive biological family members? The facts remain there are a lot of problems with adoption. I have an article about 100 things wrong with adoption and that list isn’t even close to being exhaustive. I wrote many universities discussing how adoption and its aftermath effects need to be discussed in women’s studies and psychology classes and only one university, Stanford, decided to put it into its curriculum looking at problems such as adoptee suicide rates, secondary infertility, sealed original birth certificates, trauma, psychological care, and so much more. One university. Why? Because adoption is so prevalent and nobody wants to rock the boat of those who work in universities who are adoptive parents.
17. Demand the Irish can contact their first mothers.
As recently as 1996, the Catholic Church of Ireland was involved in forcefully taking babies away from unmarried women and girls, including rape conceived babies. They finally in 2016 allowed Irish adoptees to get their original birth certificate but put it under law that they can’t contact their first mothers. This has nothing to do with privacy. I can’t do anything about this but the Irish citizens can and they need to. This isn’t about protecting mothers. This is about covering ass for the Catholic Church of Ireland and the Irish government who shipped out fatherless children to Canada, the States, and Australia to be servants, and sometimes loved by their rich adoptive parents. This went on from post WWII to 1996. I don’t have a lot of Irish followers but I really wish I did. This Irish mothers, some of not so long ago, were brutally, brutally treated and shamed for getting pregnant. These women, just like any other mother of adoption loss, need psychological help so they can finally heal and be free. It’s time to stop protecting those in power who did evil.
18. No more free anything in exchange for baby.
No explanation needed.
19. Stop the myth that adoption is the loving choice and that pregnant mothers get time to think it over.
I know this pisses off a lot of people. I get that, but it won’t make it stop saying it. I’d rather tell an uncomfortable truth than a comfortable lie. Adoption is not a loving choice done by a first mother. It’s done because she is manipulated, bullied, shamed, maybe even beaten into adoption. The only exception would be I did it to keep my baby literally alive, to which we then need to ask where was the help for the mother to keep her safe? Brainwashing vulnerable mothers to say “I gave you up because I loved you so much” is absolutely abuse of both mother and lost child because it’s stating that you don’t love them if you keep them. To the adoptee, many adoptees have abandonment issues in their psyche regardless of what caused the adoption which is a huge reason why some don’t search. The other thing that drives me batty is when someone says well she had time to think it over. No, she doesn’t. First of all because a lot of first mothers are tricked into thinking open adoptions stay open they have no problem signing the papers. When only closed adoption was around but so was abortion and so was keeping, like in the 1980s, (and again adoption agencies like to show themselves as the best option) mothers only got a very, very small window to change their minds, and it’s still like that. In some states they have only until the 24 hours from when they are discharged. Other states it’s only 5 days. Look, in some states yes it’s 90 days but you know that happens? They mark the baby as abandoned, they refuse to tell her where the baby is being fostered until the 90 days or whatever days are up. Like I said, it’s shady.
20. Abolish adoption advertisment.
The adoption industry spends millions on propaganda. Do you notice how they enjoy lumping in out of family infant adoption with that of an abused child needing a new home? It’s time to stop allowing adoption agencies to lurk on people’s Facebook pages and stop allowing them to go into schools especially middle and high schools. This doesn’t mean I believe in abortion propaganda either. The adoption and abortion industries have so many things wrong with them that they need a massive overhaul before they start sending out messages.
21. Change society’s thinking.
Whether it’s Britain or America or Ethiopia, or many other nations, it’s really time to stop blaming the survivor when it comes to rape. I hope she doesn’t mind me writing about her, if she ever comes across this blog of mine, but Zahara Jolie Pitt was adopted because her first mother conceived her in rape. You know why her first mother had to give her away to adoption? Because in Ethiopian society more blame is put on the survivor and her child than the rapist (unlike Nigeria where they rip his balls off by hanging a big rock to his nuts, another reason to add to my list of why I like being friends with Nigerian, and yes that is legal in Nigeria. Do not attempt this in countries where it’s illegal.) I volunteered with an Ethiopian refugee teenage boy who was attending school for the first time at age 15 in January 2012 because he was Deaf and Deaf children aren’t allowed to go to school in Ethiopia or any child who has a disability because they are seen as “cursed”. I don’t know if that is only a rural thing because usually in developing nations urban communities are smarter, or if it was just his tribe or if it’s a problem throughout Ethiopia but my point is that adoption is often a band aid solution for a country’s need to change. China is another example. Minority Chinese can have 3 children, before it was 2. Han Chinese can have 2 children, before it was 1. Obviously, if twins occur at a later pregnancy that exception is made. Since the 1970s at least 77 million Chinese women have been forced into abortion or adoption, so the abandoned baby girls of China does happen and sexism is strong but many babies were loved and wanted to be kept by their parents but the penalty is losing one year of your salary and only the upper class can afford that. Children who are born after the allotted number are not permitted a huzou, which means these children cannot get an education and they cannot get health care. (A lot of children in America are going to be denied their “huzou” if we don’t Federally act upon CHIP). Adoption is not going to solve these problems. Grassroots efforts to change societies are. Trust me, America has a lot of things about itself it needs to change.
22. Abolish pre birth consent.
Because it’s really creepy to make an unborn baby the property of the state to be adopted away so someone else can make a profit.
23. Help infertile couples grieve properly.
Adoption is not going to erase the pain of infertility. That is my adoptive mom saying that.
24. Come to terms with the fact many adoptive parents are self centered.
I’ve mentioned this before. My adoptive dad is the one saying that. A lot get mad that their adopted children want to search. My dad says, “you’re raising someone else’s kid. If you don’t want them to search then you should not have adopted.” There are many good adoptive parents out there, but there are many who are downright possessive.
25. This one is from my adoptive mom. Put prison time or a heavy fine on anyone who resells their adopted child.
It’s not rehoming, it’s reselling. My mom says you wouldn’t give away your biological child you bore and raised because they have a behavior problem (and some of these kids are given away simply because they get in the way of work schedules) you would get them help, even if that means in treatment centres. My mom believes anyone who has resold their kid deserves either a year or two in prison or at least a $200,000 fine the money would go to something good like helping children who are abused. Like my adoptive mom says, children are not animals and dogs shouldn’t even be treated this way. People who discard children like they are a dog should be punished. It’ll end reselling.
26. This one is from my adoptive mum. Abolish international adoption until UNICEF and the UN make a full investigation into how and why so many children are in orphanages and what safety measurements are being used to make sure these children land up in good homes.
*This is long. I’ll do through and edit as I can. I do see some grammatical mistakes. I’ll get to it when I get to it.