Global Societies Need to Recognise Adoptees as a Minority Group.

There are many minority groups. What is a minority group? It’s more than just being a small percentage of a group of people in a country, and in fact being the smaller percentage is not needed. Women are considered a minority. A minority is a group of people who deal with more discrimination, unfair law practices,  are targeted, and/or unfair punishment by a broken judicial system based on who they are. Within the United States,  some more well-known minority groups are: Black Americans, Asian Americans, refugees, Native Americans, biracial people, poor Whites, Irish Americans in decades past, Italian Americans in decades past, Jewish Americans, gay people, and transgender people.

What many fail to recognise are the fact that adoptees are a minority class as well. Many adoptees fall into more than one minority category such as being both gay and an adoptee. The multibillion dollar adoption industry, which is loosely regulated and not credentialed, uses billions per year to portray an inaccurate image of perfection in the adoption system and with adoptees; often showing only young adoptee children. Many in society when given facts by adoptees, and even adoptive parents, don’t want to hear the problems with adoption and use ploys such as “you’re crazy” or “but that rarely happens”.

This isn’t just an American issue. It’s a global issue. Adoptees are a discriminated group of people whether or not non-adoptees want to believe it. My goal here is to educate those who do not know but want to know how adoptees are discriminated and what can they can do about it. Knowledge is power, and it’s important for all people, at least those who can comprehend English and read this, to know that being an adoptee in countries such as: Ireland, Canada, Australia, the United States, Spain, Greece, and many more means being discriminated. My goal here is to teach people that this discrimination is never needed nor should it be condoned. Yet, quite often it is condoned including by people in positions of power such as the editor in chief of the Democrat and Chronicle of Rochester who refuses to edit a June 21st, 2019 article claiming birthparent privacy, which after 19 years of research, and research by lawyers does not exist. According to him his journalists found evidence of it after about three days, yet he refuses to pass along this information that they found. I’ll stick with my nearly two decades of advocacy, years of research, and years of research by leaders of those of organisations of Unsealed Initiative, the Donaldson Adoption Institute, and others that it simply does not exist. Nor should any biological parent deserve privacy, the only exception being that a partner or spouse doesn’t find out incase they are abusive.

Adoptees are the only minority group who are discriminated but yet represent a huge diversity of people within the group through various economic levels, intellectual levels, race, ethnicities, language, national origin, religion, disability, and more.

How are adoptees discriminated? Mind you these are only about those adopted outside of their biological family.

  • Denial of adoption records.
  • Denial of original birth certificate
  • Blamed for their own conception due to closed adoption, sealed records, sealed original birth certificates, and the act of adoption outside of a family.
  • Denial of their heritage or heritages until Bennett Greenspan created the first ancestral DNA testing site, Family Tree DNA, and created it for adoptees. This applies to closed adoptees.
  • Denial of biological family medical information, updated biological family medical information, and adoption agencies can decide not to pass it along, including life saving information, even if a biological mother or biological father wants to give it. This applies to closed adoptees.
  • Denial of a passport depending on when they were adopted for US citizens who are adoptees.
  • Denial of being able to legaly work, vote, and marry if adopted from overseas and their parents did not naturalise their adoption, yet they cannot naturalise themselves as adults. Why? I do not know other than it is an act of severe and damaging discrimination.
  • Denial to know whose nose and eyes they have when they look in the mirror.
  • Denial to know biological family members who are safe and kind.
  • Losing decades with biological family members until found.
  • Finding biological family members deceased, such as the man from Newfoundland, Canada who tragically and horrifically found his first mum the day after she died. The adoption industry and society refuses to acknowledge these tragedies and harrowing true stories that they cause.
  • Unaware they are adopted.
  • Racism by adoptive parents.
  • Abuse by adoptive parents.
  • Seen as something must be wrong with them because they are adopted. This is a stigma held still in some countries of the world, but not so much in North America.

What can you do to help end discrimination of adoptees?

  • Do your research by interviewing well educated adoptees. We know adoption better than anybody else.
  • Tell others about what you learn on this site.
  • Educate yourself by reading books such as The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier, A Hole in My Heart by Lorraine Dusky, and watching movies such as Philomena.
  • Once educated, tell others.
  • Write to Assembly members stating that birthparent privacy does not exist and that it is time to give adoptees their equality, and what that equality entails.
  • Publish an article.
  • Speaking out when you hear inaccuracies given about adoptees or adoption such as the myth that adoption saves babies from abortion.

Adoptees have been silenced for too long, and continue to be silenced. We are often told not to speak because we should be grateful for “being adopted” “not being aborted” “growing up in a better country” etc. We don’t want nor need others to speak for us, but we do need non-adoptees to be supportive of us whether you are somehow connected to adoption, such as having an adopted niece, or a best friend who is adopted, or you’re a kind adoptive parent, or if you have no known connection to adoption. That support is shown by advocating for us to be treated better, to receive our own records and own original birth certificate that belong to us, to end this horrible belief that adoptees deserve to be someone else’s secret as this puts blame on them for things they did not do, for reparations to be made for adoptees who were placed in abusive homes including enduring racism, and more.

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Adoption and Twins.

I initially was planning on writing about recommendations for adoptees who are about to conduct a search or are in the midst of a search for biological family, but then I came across the photo I used for this blog and the woman states she possibly has a twin brother, and I said to myself, “I have to talk about twins and adoption.”

So many people are completely in the fog about adoption and unfortunately many choose to remain in the fog. Being ignorant without knowledge is okay, being ignorant with knowledge presented to you is completely unacceptable. Yet, we constantly see that from the pro-birthers and I constantly see that from people in Rochester, New York. Of all the people I’ve interacted with online in various cities, states, provinces, and countries I’ve never seen the level of dedication to the adoption industry and refusal to admit any problems with it as I do with Rochesterians. Of course, I’ve seen some such as from Ontarioans from Ontario, Canada when I pointed out problems with a pro-adoption video, but no just simply not to the same degree. Perhaps, I’ll write about my experience about that and how even other adoptees in Rochester, well at least Webster, Penfield, or Ontario, New York don’t even want to admit the discrimination done to them.

Anyway, let’s get back to the topic at hand, twins. It’s literally mind boggling how people can praise adoption or say, “yeah, yeah there’s some problems with out of family adoption but let’s ignore it because most of it is good.” Most out of family adoption is not good, and countering that fact with “but most adoptive parents are loving” is not what I’m discussing here. It is not the adoptive parents that are the problem, most of the time; although some adoptees argue that, it is the industry itself. American adoption agencies, and American lawyers are partnering with orphanages and international adoption agencies for people to adopt. Arun Dohle and Roelie Post have both spoken thoroughly, through the BBC, Ted Talks and other forms, about the orphan myth. Journeyman Pictures did documentaries on the horrible practices behind Albanian and Ethiopian adoptions. Saying “these cases are rare” or “that happened a long time ago” are both false and unacceptable. Denial is a choice I will give to no one, but more importantly denial is a choice God gives to no one without just punishment by Him. These international adoptions now in the twentieth century have resulted in twins, and I’m sure triplets, being separated. Some have ignorantly claimed they didn’t know they were twins when the adoption occurs. A complete lie, adoption agency employees and orphan workers definitely knew.

What is utterly sickening is that the media eats these up as feel good stories without addressing the extreme trauma done to the adoptees who are separated from their twin. Nothing could be more blatantly psychopathic and sickening than the so-called psychologist who said it was perfectly fine to reunite two adopted ten year old identical twin girls from China on public television. The reunion should have been done privately with one adoptive family moving to the same town as the other adoptive family so the girls can attend school together and be at each other’s houses often or, even better, having the sisters always be together going from house to house like divorced children do with their parents. Now, is a time to quickly mention if you haven’t seen my article about how adoptive parents can and do divorce it’s another article you can check out. When reading the numerous comments from viewers about these twins or other twin sisters separated who also happened to be from China, or the Jewish triplets that were separated from New York City in the 1970s, there hasn’t been one that has stated the truth, “who is interrogating the adoption industry to make sure this doesn’t happen again? Is this still happening? Is the adoption agency giving reparations? Are they paying for the counselling from someone not affliated with the adoption agency for all affected by this?” 

Separating twins is not just a modern atrocity done by Chinese adoption agencies and orphanages. Separating twins, albeit rare, still occurs in the United States by unethical and loosely regulated actions. Separating twins has occurred in the States as “no big deal” as recently as the 1990s. Two years ago a young woman from Watertown, New York who was born in 1991 was looking for her first mother. Instead she received the mind blowing news that she has a twin brother. Her nor her adoptive parents had any idea. We must not look upon this only as “what amazing and exciting news” but with outrage demanding that such an adoption agency is not only shut down but those involved in separating twins and triplets are imprisoned. We need laws to imprison them. We need laws that give reparations to twins and triplets who are separated whether it’s at birth or older through the foster system unless there was clear evidence of abuse between the twin siblings.

We can’t idly claim “well, this was a long time ago.” It still negatively effects people to this day and it needs to be fixed internationally and domestically, but also the needs of the twins and triplets who were separated in the past need to be helped. In fact, there could very, very likely be even more undocumented cases of twins being separated by the cruelty of the adoption industry than we even know because not all adoptees have searched and because some people do not know they’re adopted.

Today, adoption agencies want to reassure pregnant mothers that they will never separate their twins. Do I trust their honesty? Absolutely not. However, let’s say they actually follow through on something they say. Let’s say a pregnant mother gives birth to twin boys and through subtle coercion, an abusive boyfriend, a very religious unsupportive family loses her children to adoption. They are adopted together. Great right? At least they have each other. I’ve thought about that how I consider my friend Mike from Nova Scotia lucky because at least he got to grow up with his twin sister so he had someone from his biological family.

Yet, as I explained years ago in the article from Reuters about the Child Exchange adoption is not a guarantee to a permanent family. Loose regulations in the adoption industry have allowed for adopted children in both Canada and the States to be resold and sometimes, horribly, to paedophiles. There are many horrible adopters out there who for any reason, even one that is simply self-centered, can decide to separate twins.

Oh but those chances are so rare! Those chances happen and one chance is one too many.

Some adoption agencies claim that it’s cruel to separate twins. I’m glad they are aware of this. What I fail to understand is why they fail to understand it is cruel to separate adoptees from their biological siblings at any age who are any age.

 

Breastfeeding and Adoptees.

How do I even start this article? Where do I even begin? There is so much to discuss here and so many ways to discuss it.

The adoption industry has done a huge disservice to adoptees and first mothers, and continues to, by the lack of breastfeeding consultations and breastfeeding education they utterly fail to provide. Others, such as Catholic Family Center of Rochester, New York and other adoption agencies; all involved in lying, objectified mothers calling them mere vessels; unworthy of breastfeeding their newborns and giving them necessary colostrum. When confronted with any wrong doing adoption agencies, such as Catholic Family Center, are notorious to gaslight, demand no more contact, and/or block the adoptee.

Breastfeeding provides numerous benefits to both the baby and mother, as well as to toddlers. Mothers who breastfeed have quicker and safer recovery times, lose weight faster, and have decreased rates of ovarian, uterine, and breast cancer later in life just to name a few benefits. Breastfeeding for babies and toddlers provides: comfort, perfect nutrition, a reduced chance of ear infections, stronger immune systems, builds an imune system in a newborn, settles toddler tantrums, protects against allergies and eczema, lessens SIDS, causes less diarrhoea and constipation,  improves vaccines, and so much more including important biologically made/God made skin to skin contact that only a biological mother and biological baby can get from each other. The only exception here is if the woman is a surrogate who has no biological relation to the child.

When a baby is lost to adoption he or she loses all of those benefits, but so does the mother. Why? Simply because someone believed she wasn’t worthy even to be a mother or simply because she was convinced herself that she wasn’t worthy enough to be a mother. Not because she wasn’t, but because others convinced her by making her believe she convinced herself. All for profit. I’m not blaming the adoptive parents unless they are the vulture kind, which is more so nowadays than in the past, I’m blaming the industry.

But not all mothers can breastfeed even if they want to and are raising their own babies. 

True, not all can. However, this fact isn’t an excuse for why the adoption industry has interrupted the God given biological function of breastfeeding all for the almighty dollar.

But I donate breastmilk to drug born babies, so breastmilk from any woman is better than no breastmilk at all and is better than formula.

If you do donate breastmilk to drug addicted born babies this is an absolutely wonderful thing you do. That can’t be contested, and yes breastmilk is better than formula. I want to come here in a no judgement zone because some women cannot breastfeed and some choose to formula feed. As long as you are nurturing, loving, and providing appropriate nutrition for your baby that is what matters most. The difference here is nearly all first mothers were or are perfectly capable of breastfeeding their own babies but were denied the option. Choosing to strictly formula feed your biological baby, which I support if that is your choice, is different than being manipulated, lied to, gaslighted, and convinced out of your baby so that you end up not breastfeeding.

This leads me to my last thing I’ll discuss here. Adopters who breastfeed. It’s utterly unnecessary again for the reasons I explained above. It’s not only utterly unnecessary but repulsive and offensive to many adoptees. You’ll see first mothers strongly support it because they can’t voice their own opinions less that open adoption become closed. There is no reason for adopter mothers to be breastfeeding their adopted baby except for the fact they have not gotten over the loss of their own biological child who they either miscarried or were unable to conceive due to infertility. The adoptee thus from the start is punished as the replacement for her loss and abusively has to fill a position he or she literally cannot that God never condoned. Breastfeeding an adopted baby is never about providing nutrition to a baby. It’s about not addressing the horrendous loss of infertility. Furthermore, breastmilk is made specifically for that baby by the baby’s own biological mother. Breastmilk from another woman is not a perfect replacement. Every baby is unique and therefore every milk is unique and that uniqueness in the milk changes as the baby gets older and even within the time of day.

I know nowadays some first mothers drop off the breastmilk. What about that?

Well, that is good nutrition wise but breastfeeding is so much more than just supplying the liquid gold.

 

In order to combat this problem we can demand closed adoption is abolished through our Assembly members, open adoptions are legally enforced and breastfeeding is encouraged only between biological mother and child if functional, provide more family preservation for mothers expecting, and advocate for groups such as La Leche League to recognise the facts that those in the adoption circle have been utterly failed in terms of breastmilk and breastfeeding support and education.

 

 

An Interview With Becca Neal: An Adopted Lesbian Woman of Colour in a Transracial Adoptive Family. Speaking the Truth and Finding Support.

  1. What has been a harder struggle for you? Coming to terms with your sexuality or with being an adoptee?

Coming to terms with my adoptee identity was far more challenging & soul shattering than coming to terms with my sexuality. Maybe being an adoptee takes up so much more energy to make sense of for me.. because I’ve been singled out & different since the day I was born. And I became the brunt of that uneducated curiosity & ignorant judgement.

2. Have you always embraced both?

I have not always embraced both. I began embracing my adoptee identity when I finally found a community that didn’t make me feel othered for the very first time in my life. I began embracing my sexuality when I fell in love with my partner. And I’d never felt more honest or alive. I’m a Latina Transracial Adoptee. My parents are white & I grew up in near racial isolation.

3. There are many forms of adoptees. What kind are you? Do you mind sharing your adoption story?

I’m among the first generation that began as a semi-open or open adoptions from the day of birth.

4. May I ask, which part of the LGBT community do you represent?

I claim to be a lesbian.. or gay because that word is shorter. Lol I don’t identify queer, although I’m open to that evolving.

5. What discrimination have you or do you endure as an adoptee?

As an adoptee who is clearly adopted or not biologically connected to the care takers I’d be with on a daily basis, I was clearly unique & became a curiosity to passerby’s. People generally don’t come from a malicious place, although they also don’t realize their brief curiosity might stay with the adoptee for the rest of their life in some form of comment or gesture. The best way I can describe it is… if you’ve ever felt embarrassed at school like you passed a bubble of gas or didn’t make it to the bathroom in kindergarten. You’re the center of attention, you didn’t choose to be & you have zero control of how long it’ll continue. I felt this embarrassment every single day. Discrimination? Not necessarily. But the feelings on the receiving end might not be so unique from each other.

6. What discrimination have you faced in your sexuality?

I’ve never felt discriminated for my sexuality. Fortunately, I grew up in a very accepting town & environments. Even as an adult, I’m always in extremely diverse communities, mostly unintentionally.

7. Have you ever had an intertwining between being an adoptee and your sexuality?

I’ve never felt my adoptee identity affected my sexuality identity. Please hold while I reflect… just kidding, you’d be ‘holding’ for the next 5 years lol.

8. Why do you find it important that members of the LGBT community support adoptees?

Any community that has felt marginalized or othered will understand this described feeling of isolation to an extent. We should encourage, uplift & truly be a safe place to fall for other groups who face similar challenges than we do. We would do it because we would hope they would reciprocate if we were in their position instead.

9. What do you say about politicians who are members of the LGBT community but don’t support adoptee equality?

I don’t really have an opinion, I’m not educated enough on current politicians & their lgbtqa+ identities, so I wouldn’t be able to provide a proper answer. With that said, I feel like most people are ignorant to adoption. I think unless adoption is tied to you personally in some form, there’s only assumptions & stereotyping to support any curiosity or judgments. I don’t believe the general public is adoption educated, at all whatsoever. But I think the realities & complexities within adoption are finally making their way into mainstream media slowly but surely, so I am hoping people, especially in the adoption community, will take the reigns in comprehending this information, research & voices of the lived experiences. When we know better, we can do better.

Race and Adoption: From A White Woman’s Perspective.

There’s so much I could discuss here that at 3:10am I’m just not going to be able to get to it all, and also because even if I were writing this at 1:20 in the afternoon I still wouldn’t remember everything to write or know everything to write. Race and adoption through the perspective of adoptees is almost never talked about. Race and adoption through the perspective of legalised baby sellers and adoptive parents is talked about all the time. What do you expect when the goal of the adoption industry is to silence the voice of adoptees? So, I’ve decided to break this into parts.

1. Disclaimer

My viewpoints in this are just that my viewpoints. I’m willing to accept any opposing opinions from other adoptees, especially adoptees of colour, as long as you are well educated on the discrimination involved in adoption, the trauma that is adoption even if removal from the biological family was necessary, and the vast problems with the adoption industry. You know, someone on Arun Dohle’s level, or Arun yourself. Rarely do I write on here opinions, nearly everything I post is fact. This post will be mostly opinions and a little bit of facts.

2. Race Does Matter.

People are asked all the time, what is your background? Are you biracial? What is your race? Don’t act like it doesn’t matter when race matters very much. People are discriminated and killed for their race or apparent race by people of other races. Not in some far off land, but exactly where you live. Us closed adoptees deal with a severe amount of discrimination, to the point it has literally killed too many adoptees. Don’t tell me race doesn’t matter when some adoptees learn they are a race they didn’t even know they are. I can assure you let learning your ethnicites sets your life on a brand new course of self discovery, along with extreme anger for most or many that that others had this information about you but never shared it. I have two friends who are also adopted. One discovered she’s half Jamaican; African ancestry. Luckily, the Jamaican family members of her are very kind. This also proves you cannot assume someone’s race as her daughter is fair skin, blonde hair, and blue eyed but 25% Jamaican; African ancestry. She did know she is part Black, but I don’t think she knew just how much. Another friend of mine was told she is 50% White, English or British to be exact. She found out this is a total lie and the Whiteness in her is only 10% and is Russian. Yes, non-adoptees discover they are this or that and didn’t know it. I acknowledge that, but the difference here is that others know things about you and keep it from you in a sadistic form of psychopathic play and then tout the adage that adoption is love when it’s not. It’s not. The other difference is that adoptees, like my friend who discovered she’s 10% not 50% White and does not have British, but rather, Russian heritage have been lied to on purpose. Race does matter.

3. What percentage do you need to be to considered another race?

This is a question people ask whether they are adopted or not. Some races actually have guidelines for this, but others do not. Let’s just start with the fact that race isn’t invented and that this whole thing of there’s no differences between the races is utter bollocks. Forensic anthropologist prove there are differences on the physical level and that is something beautiful. That is true beauty in diversity that needs to be celebrated. I am 6% Spanish from Spain. Spain is in Europe yet some claim I’m not fully White cos I am 6% Spanish. I am 25% Italian, including Sicilian. Since Sicily was conquered in the past by people who were not European some claim I’m not fully White yet again, although my Sicilian roots do not go back to countries outside of Europe. In the past, some Europeans have not seen Italians, or even more weird, the Irish as White and I am both.

4. Adoption is not colour blind.

Racism in adoption is something that people just want to ignore. Discussing race and racism with some of my East Asian adoptee friends who were adopted into White families has taught me that racism is rampant. They dealt with either racism from their adopters or from extended adoptive family members, and time and time again their adopters didn’t stand up for them. “Well, you know how Aunt Bethuna is” or “Well, Grandpa came from that generation”.

However, aside from blatant discrimination there is something I want to discuss. The privilege White adoptees get, sometimes, in not sticking out like a sore thumb. Let me explain. Nearly every single White adoptee has not been adopted by a person of colour. It happens that they are, but it’s so extremely rare. When an adoptee is a transracial adoptee, even if they have the most amazing parents which is usually meaning a White, Black, or Biracial adoptee with White adoptive parents, everywhere they go people will know they are adopted. Sometimes, us adoptees don’t want everyone to know. For the most part, White adoptees get that privilege. Now, I say for the most part because some White adoptees are say the only brunette with brown eyes in a family of Swedish looking people or take the case of my own mum and I. My mum is Polish looking, with blonde hair and icy blue eyes. People can tell with my black hair, different nose, different lips, and dark brown eyes that I’m adopted. Even then though they might think, maybe she looks like her dad, and I have had people in the past say, “oh I was wondering why you don’t look like your mum, but then I saw your dad and knew you take after him.” Yes, my adoptive dad and I do have some similar features.

Adoptees of colour nearly never get that option of choosing who they want to tell and not tell. Everyone knows. This, as a Latina adoptee told me and I will post that interview soon, translates into people asking curious questions constantly which can be very taxing. I knew this already. Where are you adopted from? Have you ever been to your home country? Do you like being adopted? Don’t you know how grateful you are? Well, it doesn’t matter if you look like your parents or not. Oh God bless you for adopting; said in front of the adoptee who is just totally ignored. You’re so lucky to have been rescued from a mountainside, don’t you know they despise girls in Asian countries? My daughter and son in law are adopting a child of colour can you give them any tips?

Can the White girl overtake space of her fellow adoptee friends of colour for a moment? Will you allow such outrageous behaviour for just a second? Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Sometimes, I just want to tell these fellow White people to SHUT UP!

5. If things were flipped.

I truly believe that if White children and White babies were being adopted at the alarming rate that children of colour are adopted by White people that White people would be up in arms wanting investigations done into immigration, human trafficking, orphanages, war, and family preservation programmes on a scale like no other, but for now that isn’t happening because well, the reasons why must be written another night. At 3:57 am it’s best I put this article to rest.

6. Edit: About the Two Gentlemen in the Photo.

Vin, left is an adoptee and also a fellow member of the LGBT community living in Australia. Arun is an adoptee living in the Netherlands. Both are originally from India, although it’s very, very neat that Vin is part aboriginal Australian. Both of these wonderful gentlemen, who are friends of mine, are strong advocates for adoptee equality both in their respective countries but in the wider world. Vin also is a very strong support of LGBT adoptees.

 

 

 

 

Losing a Fake Best Friend.

I’ve been playing Queen for hours on end, every day, for four months straight. How ironic that I finally have gotten around to writing this blog and what song comes on? You’re My Best Friend. Although if I were to dedicate that song to anybody it would be to my friend Zoe in Liverpool, England. In fact, I’m saving up to head to Liverpool and visit her. I have no interest in seeing London no matter how many spectacular things are there. Of course, Deacon wrote this song for his wife whom he had six babies with, the youngest being his son Cameron who is both a member of the LGBT group and an Aspie like me. No, no that is not the kind of friendship Zoe and I have lol.

It’s taken me some time to write this. A part of me wants to write about it and a part of me is reluctant, but I believe in this case that reluctance won’t serve me. Everyone at some point is going to lose a friend, some a best friend and I don’t mean through death but the many other forms of losing a best friend. So, I’m not going to sit here and act like I’ve had it worse than anybody else who loses a best friend for whatever reason, but I just want people to acknowledge the fact that it hurts.  Not to me, but to themselves because like my friend who is originally from the south Bronx said today people are so afraid of negative emotions; real emotions like rage and sadness. It so fucking hurts.

Those who are not adopted will never fully get what I’m about to say. Those who are adopted will nod in agreement and even if it hasn’t personally happen to them, yet, they’ll nod because they know. We get each other. Why, after all, do you think we call each other a tribe, a community, or whatever word we choose to use?

I met my fake best friend twelve years ago. She was originally from Brooklyn and then lived in Buffalo. I mean twelve years is a long time to be best friends with someone. She asked me to be the godmother to her second daughter, but I couldn’t be and no that has nothing to do with why things ended as they did. When she would come back to Buffalo with her husband, who was also my friend, they’d pick me up and we’d go out and do fun things together. If I needed help she was the first I’d call. Her husband, my other ex friend and I’ll explain why I became ex friends with him, and I would talk almost every Friday night and Tuesday night until I got my job, and even then if I had the evening off on Tuesday or Friday I could talk. She wasn’t much of a talker on the phone but we texted.

How many times she told me that she cared about me. How many times did she tell me that she loved me as a friend. We were so open about everything. We didn’t agree on everything, such as abortion and her belief that an abortion at anytime for any reason is alright, but we knew we were best friends.

We built twelve years of fond memories together whether that’d be on the phone, online, or when we were able to get together.

Then about a month ago all that changed. I’d like to think there would be a reunification, people say God can do anything, but there is no going back with this.

There is one thing to have a difference of opinion, there is quite another when your opinion not only discriminates someone but that when you’re educated on why it’s hurtful and discriminatory you refuse to change. I often see when someone says something homophobic, racist, anti adoptee, etc. that people are like screw you and up and leave. I’ve seen amazing changes, thanks to the effort I’ve put in, in some others go from saying incredibly discriminatory things to certain groups of people to doing a complete 180. Why? Educating, and not educating by being forceful but kind, and patient, and loving. I mean my goodness I’ve seen someone literally go from being a White supremacist to a person who whilst they believe races shouldn’t mix now says they cannot stand Trump, think the wall is stupid, really likes their Black coworker, and believes transgender people should be identified by the gender they choose. So, yes people can make outstanding changes. I believe anybody can change and I would take back my fake best friend, just like I’d take anybody back, if they become a kinder person.

My point is I don’t blame you for being ignorant. I blame you for choosing to remain ignorant when you’ve been given the education to change.

It hurts to call her a fake best friend. I don’t believe she was even trying to be fake, but when someone says something blatantly anti adoptee then they have been fake the entire twelve years.

So what is the full story? Long prior to the ending happening we were discussing adoption. I explained to her the facts about why out of family adoption isn’t necessary, and why kinship care or legal guardianship is better than out of family adoption because it doesn’t permit discrimination like out of family adoption does. I also explained to her how abusive closed adoption is, what we are fighting for, and how the current adoption practices especially cruel closed adoption contributes to the high suicide rate amongst adoptees, and more. She wanted to be educated. She even replied something along the lines of, “I get it” or “I see.” My fake ex best friend does not have any personal connection or strong grip on adoption.

Then about a month ago we were texting each other and ironically right before the break up she said some people are so ignorant to how discriminatory they are because we were discussing homophobia and she was asking me if I’m really bi, as she is as well, and I was thinking, shouldn’t you know this about me by now and why am I having to prove this to you, but oh well.

Not because we were in some arguement the topic got changed to adoption. It wasn’t like we talked about adoption a lot with each other, actually we didn’t talk about it much. Just completely out of the blue she decides to tell me

I don’t believe you deserve equality. I believe it’s fine to keep people like yourself a dirty secret if the biological mother wants to do that. 

How fucking cruel and awful to say that to someone, to think that, especially to your own best friend. That isn’t being prochoice. No, nobody deserves to be discriminated. Nobody deserves to be denied their original birth certificate. Especially nobody deserves to be anybody’s dirty secret simply because the biological mother, or whoever, can’t take responsibility for their own actions. Don’t blame me for shit I didn’t do.

Just like that I ended a twelve year friendship. I had to end the friendship with her husband, who was also my friend, because she has access to his phone and Facebook and if I tried to reach out to him she will be able to contact me. I texted him, blocked his number, and that is it.

I know some adoptees will and pathetically agree with discrimination of adoptees and agree with being someone’s a dirty secret but a lot of people are brainwashed by the bullshit of the adoption industry. That fact isn’t debateable.

I’m not saying you will get a relationship. I’m not saying you can force a relationship cos a forced relationship will never last. I am saying it’s pathetic, disgusting, and basically cruel to tell someone you supposedly cared about so much that they deserve to be a dirty secret, treated like an object, because the circumstances of their conception weren’t ideal. She had been educated previously on why this was wrong and educated again, and chose to remain an ignorant fool.

It still hurts to say goodbye, and byes are not always good like this one, but I needed to do it for myself because trying to communicate and educate on why this was so unnecessarily said was like beating a dead kangaroo and hoping it would hop again.

I was up until 2:30am with a best friend of mine who is also a member of the LGBT community. He’s gay and probably the most hilarious guy you could ever meet and he could not believe what she wrote. He was utterly appalled. Another friend of mine was like, “well, I’m not surprised many people don’t think she’s nice. So glad you broke up with her.”

Sometimes I wish she was still here to see how I helped to make a historic landslide win here in NY for adoptee equality, and that she would have congratulated me for my years of effort. That wasn’t meant to be.

It is what it is and things will get better and I have things and people to look forward to like Liverpool and seeing my friend Zoe. I think I can call Zoe a best friend if she allows me to.

God Told Me Days Before It Would Pass. Adoptees Now Have Equality in NYS.

Just a quick post to say over 600,000 New Yorkers and our supporters are celebrating tonight. We worked so hard for years to have a clean bill passed to allow adoptees to have their original birth certificate. I’m beyond happy. This will help not only adoptees but their children, biological family members, and police.

Adoptees have gained back what rightfully belongs to them that was stolen. Police will be able to do investigations on corrupt adoption attorneys and adoption agencies, which is a slew of them. It’ll help solve some cold case homicides. Adoptees who need immediate biological family medical information can get it. This has brought closure to hundreds of thousands of people. It will allow connections to be made with safe and nice people. It will prevent adoptees from unknowingly reaching out to dangerous biological family members.

I and others worked so long and so hard on this. We did it, and for more than anyone we did it for all of those adoptees in New York or from New York who died before this bill was passed, especially those who committed suicide. You’re with us in spirit.

 

Bill A5494 is Extremely Likely to Pass in New York State: So Let’s Finally Kill the Annoying Question of Birthparent Privacy.

I recently lost a fake best friend of twelve years, twelve stinking years over her belief in birthparent privacy; that biological mothers and biological fathers should be allowed to keep their child or children a dirty secret. I’ll talk about this breakup soon enough.

I’m appalled that this annoying, yes annoying, and discriminatory question keeps popping up over and over again. I’ve explained numerous times on this blog that birthparent privacy isn’t on the lawbooks. For my new readers, I’ll explain it again. Original birth certificates, with the biological mother’s name and sometimes the biological father’s name aren’t sealed until an adoption is finalised, so if baby is given away to adoption or lost to adoption but ends up growing up in the foster system he or she keeps his or her original birth certificate making birthparent privacy null and void. If it were about privacy, and it’s not, the original birth certificate would not have been made in the first place. Yes, I’m well aware that adoption agency employees and adoption lawyers told people there’s birthparent privacy but they lied. They lied for greed, they lied to cover their own tracks, whatever the reason they lied, they lied.

This time I need to go two steps further than I have before in discussing the unsealing of original birth certificates and birthparent privacy which again does not exist on the law books. 

  1. Unsealing original birth certificates isn’t about anybody else but adoptees and it’s time oh is it time for it to be only about us. We get to be first. Adoptees have been silenced, ignored, bullied, discriminated and abused in the state of New York for much too long. We, for too long, have been made to appease others. A society who says, “well so long as you are loved, why do you want to search/know your heritage/have your original birth certificate, __________________?” Assuming every adoptee in the state of New York, or anywhere has or had loving adoptive parents which we damn well know isn’t true. Even so, just because someone had or has good adoptive parents doesn’t mean it makes up for the loss that is associated with adoption. Unsealing original birth certificates is about recognising us adoptees. Recognising that we existed before adoption, recognising those who are adopted because some adults don’t even know and late discovery adoption is a real and common thing and some New Yorkers are about to be in for the surprise of their lives, and it’s about giving back to us over six hundred thousand New York adoptees what rightfully belongs to us that was stolen, yes stolen from us.
  2. Nobody deserves birthparent privacy. Read that fact again, nobody deserves birthparent privacy. It doesn’t matter if the child produced was a product of rape or incense. The moment you claim it’s perfectly normal to not want anything to do with their child simply because of the circumstances surrounding their conception, you are automatically blaming them. Nowhere else in the field of psychology, and I’ve spoken to my fair share of psychology professors would this be seen as normal or acceptable, and no it’s not in the field of psychology either. Nice try though. Those hiding from their child or children need a psychologist, not more praise for their destructive behaviour.

I’ve been saying this for a long time, and no more than ever will I say again, “we must change the adage from prepare for rejection to prepare to be found”, and now more than ever in New York State is that going to be true with the unsealing of original birth certificates although truth be told it already has been the case with ancestral DNA testing. If we change the adage from what it is, to what it should be we can help tens of millions across the country mentally prepare for reunification. Nobody is actually protecting or helping someone who doesn’t want to be found, but instead causing emotional abuse, objectification, furthering the agenda of the adoption industry whose only goal is to split apart families for profit, and in some cases promoting domestic violence.

So that pestering question that lingers around that makes some adoptees just want to scream as their only answer. What about biological mothers and biological fathers who don’t want to be found? Which is really people asking shouldn’t we be protecting them from their own children?

My question back is why? Prove to me why someone needs protection from their own child? A bad memory? See a psychologist. You don’t put the blame of a bad circumstance on someone who didn’t cause the circumstance.

Here are the real reasons why a biological mother or biological father doesn’t want to be found for those in that category:

They don’t want to be discovered for being a rapist.

They don’t want to be discovered for abandoning their girlfriend when she got pregnant.

They don’t want to be discovered for having an affair.

They don’t want to be discovered for trying to abort you when they pushed their girlfriend or wife down the stairs.

They were severely bullied by their parents and kicked out of their house for getting pregnant.

They were blamed for being raped.

They were told if they told anyone they would burn in hell.

They were told they are just the vessel and not the real mother and not good enough for you.

They were severely bullied and like biological mothers who are not psychopaths or have narcissistic personality disorder they have severe depression and/or PTSD and never got the therapy they need for it.

 

These are the reasons someone doesn’t want to be discovered. Does any of this seem like we should be blaming the adoptee? No. Does any of this seem like we should deny what belongs to an adoptee? No. Does any of this seem like the best way to help the biological mother is to hide her child from her or keep them apart? No. Does this seem like a good reason to unseal in order to expose criminals? Oh you better believe it.

People are about to be exposed for their past bad behaviour, and no, no woman deserved to lose her child and no child deserved to lose her or his mother because of out of wedlock sex even if it was an affair. The bad behaviour we’re about to expose is the biological fathers who didn’t support the mothers they got pregnant or got them pregnant through violence.

Finally, another huge reason there have been adoption agencies, adoption lawyers, and churches like the Catholic Church spitting about birthparent privacy is because a bunch of them are about to be exposed for crimes themselves.

Nor will this increase abortions. All states, provinces, and countries that have unsealed original birth certificates have not seen an increase in abortions. Those intelligent countries that have eradicated the abusive practice of closed adoption have not seen an increase in abortions. Adoption isn’t the answer to abortion. According to the Guttmacher Institute the United States would need to see a 5,400% increase in infant adoptions in order to eliminate abortions in America and that’s a percentage rounded to the lowest common denominator.

An Interview With Dr. Pauline Park. A Member of the LGBT Community and Adoptee Community: A Look at Racism, Transphobia, and Adoptee Discrimination.

Hi, Dr. Pauline Park. Your position as a member of the adoptee community and the LGBT community gives you the opportunity to explain to hundreds of millions of Americans the need for adoptee equality.

Well, I’ll try my best to respond to your questions.

I appreciate that.

1. What is your own adoption story?

I was born in Korea in 1960 and adopted at the age of seven months in 1961. 

2. Have you done research into international Korean adoptions between the US and Korea and if so, what have you discovered?

I presented what may well have been the first paper on LGBT issues in intercountry adoption at any professional conference, but it was based on secondary research, not primary research. 

3. Could you tell us more about this secondary research? What is the name of the paper?

LGBT Issues in Intercountry Adoption Implications for Policy and Research

4. Dr. Park, how was your upbringing with your adoptive parents? What challenges and opportunities did it pose for you?

I describe it in this essay: https://paulinepark.com/the-multiple-migrations-of-a-transgendered-korean-adoptee/?fbclid=IwAR3mJZEGeUCJDaHjoP7V-U4V76cRLvzhYNNdbccgnQ-IFFdUZW9WptuyquE

Thank you, Dr. Park.

5. You’re a member of the LGBT community as a transgender woman. Can you explain to people what exactly it means to be transgender and how you came to know you are transgender yourself? How does being both a member of the LGBT community and an adoptee personally effect you? What discrimination do you face as a transgender woman and as an adoptee? 

I have a transgender identity and I’ve always known I was transgendered, so there was never a ‘coming to know’ that I was transgendered; I simply was. Transgender people face pervasive discrimination, harassment, abuse and violence in this society; that’s obviously true for transgender adoptees as well, who face discrimination based on race, ethnicity and national origin as well as gender identity and expression. 

6. What discrimination as an adoptee have you faced? What discrimination do all adoptees face? Has any of this discrimination towards you been from other members of the LGBT community? 

I’m sure all transracial adoptees have faced discrimination at some point in their lives, especially transracial intercountry adoptees. There is certainly both racism and ethnocentrism in the LGBT community, unfortunately; most of it is not blatant discrimination but takes more subtle forms.

7. What changes are necessary from our state governments in order to protect discriminated groups of people, including LGBT adoptees and non LGBT adoptees?

LGBT adoptees would benefit from federal, state, and local non-discrimination in those jurisdictions – which include the vast majority of cities, counties, and states- that have not enacted legislation to prohibit discrimination on the basis of  sexual orientation or gender identity or expression. Both LGBT and non-LGBT adoptees would benefit from federal and state legislation that would open adoption records to adoptees as well as guarantee naturalization to intercountry adoptees. 

8. Besides naturalization for intercountry adoptees, and the unsealing of adoption records what else would you like to see for adoptees?

I think adoptees need access to affordable and culturally sensitive social services, including mental health counseling and therapy to deal with the micro-aggressions, the traumas and other challenges they face. 

9. How can people from other discriminated groups, such as the LGBT community, support and assist adoptees and why is it important for them to do so?

It’s important to embrace a broad- based pursuit of social justice for all, informed by an intersectional analysis of multiple oppressions that articulates the connections between and among different groups, including LGBT people and adoptees. 

Thank you for taking the time to interview with me, Dr. Park. I hope your answers inspire others, regardless of their own personal backgrounds, to support the cause for adoptee equality and adoption reformation.

Sure! You’re most welcome.

 

 

Pauline is the woman speaking in the photo.

 

 

The Good and the Bad of Obituaries.

A lot of adoptees probably have never given a second thought to obituaries until someone they know very well in their own day to day lives has passed away. As adoptees become very good sleuths in discovering and trying to make connections with biological family members, and when some adoptees discover their biological family members are unkind and reject them, they learn how important obituaries are. Here, I’ll discuss the good and the bad of obitauaries for adoptees.

The Good.

Obituaries provide a wealth of information. Until every state, province, territory, and county in this world does the proper thing and unseals original birth certificates unamended adoptees will continue to use ancestral DNA testing sites thanks to Bennett Greenspan. At times, you can get a close match. This is why it’s important to log in at least once a month because more and more family members will be added. This is what happened to me in August 2017 when my biological paternal aunt joined. Obituaries surely helped me search and obituaries have helped numerous other adoptees and children of adoptees as well. They provide names and locations. Obituaries are a goldmine of information.

The Bad.

Before I discuss the bad side of obituaries pertaining directly to adoptees and adoptees’ children I must say that obituaties are also a wealth of information for scammers. This is why it’s important to use good judgment. The IRS, police, etc. will never call nor email you and demand money. It’s important to monitor your loved ones with dementia so they don’t get bamboozled into a scam.

For adoptees, the bad part of about this is the fact you can be purposely excluded from the obituary by cowardly, selfish, scumbag biological family members not because you’ve done anything wrong, but because you exist and others can’t take responsibility for their own actions or blame you for their problems. Obituaries paint a perfect image of a person, but they sometimes paint a false image. God sees through that false image and God does punish those who are unkind to adoptees.

This can be hard for adoptees. However, it’s important to keep one thing in mind. You hold the power. You, at any time you’d like, can out them and tell the truth to whomever you want so long as they are adults. That’s an unspeakable amount of power and I believe it’s given by the archangel Michael as a tool to fight evil in the spiritual world. It is spiritual evil, more than anything else, that keeps families apart. We know that evil by names such as cowardice, jealousy, narcissism, fear, unforgiving, and more. Negative emotions stem from the horrible side of the spiritual world turning people into what they are not.

However, the truth is revealed and whomever reveals the truth it will be revealed. You have done nothing wrong if you decide to share your story and tell the truth if that truth exposes others, they should’ve been better to you. Nevertheless, it can be hard for adoptees to know the relative in the obituary is not as delightful as they’re made out to be.