The Happy Bee Mommies.

Happy bee mommies is a term coined by those of us who are out of the adoption fog. Happy bee mommy are first mothers who are still very much in the fog of adoption and praising adoption. Praising it to the point they find adoption and the adoption industry to be perfect or nearly perfect, and often promote it. Happy Bee Mommies is a play on words for birthmom.

You’ll come across this women. Unknowing or knowing victims of the adoption industry’s use and propaganda. So, who exactly is a happy bee mommy and why do these  first mothers exist?

Many girls and women who are in a crisis pregnancy are lured in with the fallacy of open adoption. They can have letters, photos, and visitations to their child. Add to this the fact that girls as young as 13 can see an adoption agency worker without any adult in her life knowing she’s pregnant and knowing she’s planning on giving away her baby. If you think that is bad enough, adoption agencies tend to lie to pregnant moms and tell them that the lawyer they are paying for represents her. A lawyer cannot be paid by one group and stand up for the rights of another. So, basically these mothers have no true legal representation. They meet potential adoptive parents, who typically act superficially super nice, and constantly email and text them. Along with this the pregnant mother is bombareded with adoption propaganda and the potential adoptive couple pay for everything from her room and board, to her medical expenses, and sometimes even part of her college tuition. It is all done to guilt trip her incase she backs out. They remind her, many times, that they are so happy to have her in their lives and that it’ll remain open.

So, the adoption goes through. The adoptive parents, in one final attempt of making sure she doesn’t back out, are there at the birth so there is no true alone bonding time. The mother, now with intense depression, goes back to college but feels she is too depressed to continue her classes. The agency “supports” her with more adoption agency propaganda, which I will heavily get into the linguistic practices used by the adoption industry to lure mothers out of their babies.

Then, either one of two things happens. Let’s use three examples. All names are random and completely made up. These stories do not represent actual people, but these stories represent that cases just like this do happen.

Sally was 17. Sally gave away her baby for adoption (duped by the adoption industry propaganda of “placing her baby with a family”) because of her parents’ very religious ties and was terrified with what they would think. Being a child, nobody in the family knew she was pregnant as Sally was always a little chubby and the baby was born in January in Michigan so Sally easily covered herself up. The adoption agency never once told her to try and solve it with her parents. Sally was told by the Bensons’ that they will remain in contact.  After six months, Sally learned through Saving Our Sisters on Facebook that open adoptions are not legally enforceable and that most close. Since hearing this, Sally has always promoted adoption on her social media and happily said yes to anything the Bensons’ want to do, in hopes that she doesn’t become a statistic of open to closed adoption like 75% of victims are (I do take into account those whose open adoptions close because they are doing drugs or are too self centered in their lives to even care to come over and visit, but most of the 75% are closed for reasons like jealousy and lying all along. We will get into closed adoptions, how they are abusive, and why not to close them even when the first parent is unsafe in another article). Whatever the Bensons’ want to do, Sally will happily agree with it. She now has learned she has to walk on eggshells. Sally also eventually told her parents, and while upset at first, they are now more grieve striken that their granddaughter isn’t living with them. Four years go by and Mrs. Benson doesn’t want “her child to get confused” so the Bensons’ ask Sally if she’s already with cutting down their visitations to just once a season, and Sally makes up and excuse of, “oh, that works so much better for me.” Sally will do anything the Bensons’ want in order to keep the adoption open.

Rebekah was 28. Being out of a job, and being prolife, Rebekah was always wrongly taught that adoption is the answer to abortion. She was engaged to her baby’s father, but Roy up and left her for another. Rebekah wanted an open adoption after learning that closed adoptees have very high anxiety, depression, and suicide rates and knew it was wrong to cut off a person from their biological roots. Rebekah is Jewish and went through a Jewish adoption agency. The adoption agency, like so many others (Jewish, Christian, secular) said the lawyer they were paying for was representing her (which is impossible). The Rosenbergs’ adopted her baby girl. Rebekah has no idea that open adoptions can, and mostly do close. The Rosenbergs’ have been great people and keep the adoption very open. Rebekah lives in Manlius while the Rosenberg’s live in the swanky part of Syracuse. They get together every weekend, often celebrating shabbos together with Rebekah’s family and their family. Today, her little girl that was adopted out is seven years old. The little girl is very well aware of everything. Rebekah strongly promotes open adoption to other pregnant moms experiencing an unplanned pregnancy or a planned pregnancy where things go badly because Rebekah has no idea that most potential adoptive parents are nothing like the Rosenbergs. Rebekah unknowingly is helping a loosely regulated, uncredentialed multi billion dollar industry lure women and girls out of their babies that will more than likely go to homes where the open adoption closes by the time the child is of kindergarten age. Nearly all, for reasons of lying all along, self centeredness, etc.

Now, let’s look at a closed adoption.

Saphina “chose” a closed adoption for her twin sons. She was told that the closed adoption would make her forget all about the babies and would let her move on. This is mentally impossible. Saphina came to the adoption agency because she wanted her unborn sons to be safe, away from their abusive father and her abusive husband. After all, Saphina is in the United States illegally. The adoption agency has offered no help for Saphina and her unborn sons to remain together. They know Saphina is returning home to her husband who beats her, and they have given her pamphlets to read inside the adoption agency about going to a domestic violence shelter but being illegal and enduring years of psychological abuse she is too afraid to go. Never once do the adoption agency workers mention helping all three of them stay together and find safety. Saphina says she loves her sons, whom she has named, but she doesn’t want her bad husband to find them. After all, Saphina is not showing yet and she has tricked him by contuining to buy tampons and putting red dye on them. Saphina feels so ashamed of herself that she got into this mess, that she wants to forget all about it. The agency has told her that a closed adoption will ensure that she does. Saphina eventually, fortunately, did escape her bad husband (and it took SWAT team to get her out of the house). Saphina now has a huge hole in her heart, and learned that closed adoption never needed to happen. Saphina’s emotions are so strong when it comes to losing her sons that she has numbed herself with the comments “adoption is great” “I freely chose adoption”. Saphina on the outside acts like adoption is a blessing, on the inside Saphina is screaming.

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Why Brian Moe is Just an Awesome Person and Why Everyone Should be Like Him.

It’s 2am in the morning. Don’t yell at me if my grammar isn’t perfect. Also, WordPress mostly never let’s me copy and paste in links to show proof of anything I write. If you want proof for anything I write here, or in another article just message me, and I am happy to provide it.

So, who is Brian Moe? Why is he awesome? Why should you strive to be like him? Well, he’s a friend of mine and considering the fact I’ve only ever written about one other person on this blog, Sandy Musser who is the modern day Susan B Anthony who literally went to prison for adoptee equality, he’s made enough waves to make it to this blog. Brian is a composer, pianist, dancer, entertainer, singer, and studied psychology. Why is he awesome and why should you strive to be like Brian?

Well, let’s get to the answers by telling a back story. Brian and I both come from discriminated groups of people. Brian is gay. I am a closed adoptee. When it comes to gay rights here are some of the things the LGBT population has fought for/endured/continuining to fight for/continuing to abolish or change depending on what is listed and depending on the country they live in:

  1. Not being automatically labelled a paedophile. Being gay in America in the 1950s was an automatic assumption you were after little boys.
  2. Not going to Alcatraz for being gay. Everyone knows Alcatraz was where the worst criminals went. Yet did you know for a time some of the prisoners in Alcatraz were there only because they were gay?  They weren’t criminals at all.
  3. Not being chemically castrated (see Imitation Game).
  4. Still executed. Sadly, in parts of Asia and Africa gay people are still executed usually by being thrown off of buildings or hanged.
  5. Workplace discrimination.
  6. Gay conversion “therapy”. Oh, that’s right the moron who invented this has a son who is still gay. Maybe it’s time to realize the man is either a) a closeted homosexual or b) doing this purely out of profit.
  7. Housing discrimination.
  8. Marriage equality. We can sit and argue all day about “The Bible says”. Well, there’s a huge difference between the Old and New Testaments. Read your Old Testament, Abraham sex slave (read concubine) had 17 sons by him. Not his wife. His brood mare. King David had concubines, again sex slaves. Read the story of Lot and his daughters. And yes, I believe in God but we’re not going there.
  9. Giving blood. So hold up hold up. Brian being a gay male can’t give blood. Yet I being a closed adoptee and being female can give blood. Us closed adoptees are denied our biological family medical information, including in life or death situations, and yes this has killed adoptees. Even if the first parents want to give it the adoption agencies can refuse to (read A Hole in My Heart by Lorraine Dusky, Hillside of Rochester you’re a bag of dicks for refusing to pass along medical information to adoptive parents and a paediatrician when a fricking 5 year old was having epileptic seizures). This means we have adoptees who are donating blood who have no idea whether or not they have any problems with their blood that could be passed along. Furthermore, because of late discovery adoptions a lot of people have no idea they’re adopted until well into adulthood. My biological paternal aunt found me last year only because she discovered in her fifties she is half adopted and that was the only reason she took a DNA test, which led to me because she thought I had been aborted. This is how much our government wants to play pretend. They assume every gay man is an irresponsible whorebag who had AIDS, and they pretend that all adoptees are the biological kin of their adoptive families.
  10. Jury Selection. Until 2011, gay people could be refused to serve on a jury for being gay.
  11. Street kids. I have volunteered with gay street kids. They were in the shelter and I was appalled by their treatment including by the owner of the shelter and that’s all I will say.
  12. Foster care youth. Gay kids in foster care have elevated rates of abuse.
  13. Violence. Domestic violence occurs in 1/5 households. It’s an epidemic in America that goes ignored. It goes even more ignored in same sex households. Aside from this, gay people are more likely to experience violence from straight people.
  14. Suicide. As I’ve said in a previous article, adoptees are four times more likely to commit suicide and this doesn’t change if they are adopted at birth. The suicide rates of adoptees are so high because of discrimination and rejection by their biological families. Trust me, because I know personally, you can’t even imagine the hell being a closed adoptee that is ignored by their biological family is but I do thank God that my biological aunt literally found me through a miracle and is a blessing in my life, but enough about me back to Brian and the case of gay rights. LGBT (I keep saying gay rights because I’m tired and doing a massive yawn) people have higher rates of suicide as well. It’s the same reason again. Discrimination. Rejected by their family. I think society has to realize that moving in with nice people or being with friends who love you is sometimes not enough for some. I wish it were, but it’s not. A person who is male, gay, and adopted has such an outrageously high chance of attempting, or worse yet, committing suicide that I feel as preventative measure they should work with a therapist they can connect with. This is a skeleton in the closet we need to deal with.
  15. Teaching people it isn’t a choice. British gay men could go to prison or be chemically castrated. Men and women today who are gay or lesbian in parts of Africa are being executed. Obviously it’s not a choice.
  16. That not all gay people think alike. One gay man in a parade may decide to wear a neon green speedo. Another gay man may find this very distateful.
  17. That one gay person doing something bad doesn’t mean all are. I saw a video on Facebook that was just awful. A drag queen at a children’s beauty pageant with young children. The drag queen was spreading their legs on the ground and shaking their ass. I was disgusted by this drag queen and by the mothers that were all into it taking photos as little children were watching or running around. The comments below were bad too. Making comments that all drag queens must find this enjoyable. Making comments that “we must protect our children from the gays”.  I can guarantee you that 99% of drag queens and gay men would think all of the morons in that video should’ve been imprisoned for child abuse charges.
  18. Repealing don’t ask, don’t tell.
  19. Murder due to homophobia which is a major problem in Uganda.

As you see Brian comes from a group of people that have made strides in their equality but still are not finished. Brian doesn’t discriminate people. He doesn’t believe people deserve inequality because they are a certain race, religion, nationality, sexuality, gender, disability, or because they are adopted.

Yet, unfortunately there are three LGBT members in positions of power, two gay men and one lesbian, who do believe that adoptees don’t deserve equality. I wish I could give their names but I will say one is a lawyer and senator, one is a lawyer and ethics professor (because let’s have someone who doesn’t believe in equality for a group of people teach ethics) and one is a senator. All are openly gay. These three people come from the group of discriminated people that Brian comes from. Yet, these three gay people in positions of power believe that us adoptees don’t deserve the following:

A. Our original, real birth certificate that has our original name and biological family surnam(e) on it. Birthparent privacy, a sugarcoated way of asking one person to be the dirty secret of another person, is a myth because the original birth certificate isn’t sealed until the adoption is finalized, so if a baby is given away for adoption but ends up growing up in foster care he keeps his original birth certificate making privacy null and void. The only reason why New York State sealed original birth certificates is because the child kidnapper Georgia Tann spread the lie of birthparent privacy and Senator Lehman bought two kids off of her.

B. Our biological family medical information for the sake of our health and our children.

C. To not be dirty secrets. We keep hearing “if the mother doesn’t want to be found”. Ignoring, rejecting, not wanting to be found makes the adoptee responsible for their own conception. We are not responsible for someone else’s problem. The three of these people, along with many others, refuse to look at the fact that in the past unmarried pregnant women were told things like: you’ll go to hell if you tell anyone, your husband will leave you if he finds out, my new neighbour actually told she’s an adoptee and came to learn she’s Jewish and that biological members of her family had violent threats against them if they told anyone that someone in the family got pregnant before marriage, they were told they are just the vessel, and other forms of verbal abuse that still continue through the adoption industry that I’ll write at length about one day.

D. To change the adoption industry because it’s uncredentialed, has no oversight, is loosely regulated, and profited $15 billion dollars last year.

E. For all adoptees to be allowed passports.

And any other form of adoptee discrimination I’ve spoken about here.

These are three openly gay people who want to make it that it’s first mothers vs. their adoptee out children. In fact, one of these senators is demanding that biological siblings don’t even get together  with their adopted out sibling because it’ll mean the kept son or daughter will inquire to their mother if she gave a baby away for adoption. As I’ve stated in a previous article, nowhere in psychology do we find it healthy to run away and hide from your problems, so why are we make an excuse when it comes to adoption?

It’s a sad state of affairs when people who are discriminated for their sexuality turn on another group of discriminated people and hurt them (and you can read about this type of behaviour in the book Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl).

You see this is why I like Brian Moe, not only as a friend but as a person. Because too many people today only care about their group of discriminated people. When a person comes from a discriminated group of people, or people who were discriminated then they should be smart enough to want to help other groups of discriminated people, not make their lives awful. Brian cares about all people. This is why he is awesome and you should strive to be like him.

 

 

The Problem With No Contact Preference and Redactions on Original Birth Certificates.

Provinces and states are, very, very, very, very slowly starting to unseal original birth certificates. New York still hasn’t and it’s been over eighty years. Manitoba did a few years ago, Maine did quite a number of years ago, and more recently Vermont and New Jersey have. I need to reiterate myself again and say birth parent privacy does not exist for the following reasons:

A. The original birth certificate is not sealed until the adoption is finalized, so if a baby is given away for adoption he or she keeps his or her original birth certificate if he or she ends up growing up in foster care thus making privacy null and void.

B. Kansas and Alaska have never sealed original birth certificates, and Alabama only did for a few years, and the sky hasn’t fallen in those states (except when tornadoes happen).

I also need to remention the fact that psychopath and baby kidnapper, Georgia Tann, was hugely responsible for convincing states to seal original birth certifcate and spread the lie about birthparent privacy with New York being one of those states.

So, what’s the problem with the no contact preference or redactions like there is in Ontario, Manitoba, and New Jersey? First, let me mention that the vast majority of Canadian provinces and territories and nearly all US states still have sealed original birth certificates (which contain the real names of adoptees and the surname(s) of their biological family (-ies)). The problem is, and this is fact not opinion, nobody is wanting to address the severe emotional abuse, sometimes physical abuse, and mental health issues that first mothers had gone through during the pregnancy and during the adoption loss. First mothers have the highest rate of secondary infertility (1991 report by L.H Stiffler), some have vast amounts of children to make up for the lost child, ongoing grief, alarmingly high rates of PTSD and depression. Unless a first mother was a psychopath and/or a child abuser her mental health is going to suffer from losing her child to adoption. You have so many trying to save face and act like it’s no big deal because it’s their only way to feel that they have some sense of control.

Mental health is still very much stigmatized throughout the world. People think happiness is a choice and people with depression are choosing to be miserable. People think you can just stop being anxious as if there’s a simple on/off switch in your brain.

When it comes to mothers of adoption loss, the multibillion dollar loosely regulated, uncredentialed adoption industry has silenced the voices of first mothers (and even brainwashed some, young first mothers to be spokeswomen for them; usually the ones whose open adoptions actually remained open) and felt they can speak on their behalf.

Let’s take a necessary look at the history of adoption “relinquishment” in this country (USA) and other countries (Spain, France,  Italy, Greece, Canada,  the UK, Ireland, and Australia).

*We are allowing first mothers to veto an original birth certificate or ask for no contact yet some of these first mothers were told they will go to hell if they tell anyone about their adopted out child.

*We are allowing first mothers to veto an original birth certificate or ask for no contact yet some of these first mothers were blamed for the rape and unnecessarily carry the shame of the vile attack. I need to make it clear here. I have a friend with a three year old son who was conceived in rape. She is lucky to have survived, and I am thankful the serial killer who attacked her is now dead. I have learned from her that 75% of women who conceive in rape keep their babies. She loves her son very much. For those too psychologically damaged from the attack, we should look for someone else in the family to raise the child, and if nobody can, then we look for out of family legal guardianship. It’s time society stop blaming the attack on the children and this still includes visits at times. My friend’s happy, adorable, loving three year old is not at fault.

*We are allowing first mothers to veto an original birth certificate or ask for no contact yet nearly all of these first mothers have never had proper -away from adoption agencies- counseling and the ability to talk to knowledgeable first mothers in a support group like Concerned United Birthparents or speak to first mothers like Sandy Musser and Joyce Bahr. Politicians need to stop and really use their brain and this point. These are women who have been psychologically damaged, and who have been made to believe that their adopted out child will ruin their life. This blames the adoptee for his or her own very conception, and the circumstances that went around being given away for adoption. Nowhere else in the history of psychology is it appropriate to run away from your problems, and pass the baton of discrimination and emotional hurt onto your child who did nothing wrong. Hiding is not what is needed here, therapy is.

*We allow the adoption industry to silence the voices of first mothers and silence their minds with phrases such as: you can marry and go onto have children of your own, you’ll be so busy with life you’ll forget about the baby, remember you are just the vessel, it’s their baby not yours, first mothers who cry over their adopted out child are being selfish and not thinking about the happy life that child is having with his real parents, and other psychological abusive bullshit. Simply put, it is time to tell the adoption industry to shut the fuck up.

*We are allowing first mothers to veto an original birth certificate or say no contact but neglecting the fact that some of these women who got pregnant were threatened with having their jobs and good name taken away by the powerful men who got them pregnant such as their boss or the mayor of a town (I’m giving mayor as an example, it may not be a direct example but my point is men in positions of power). These women still carry this unnecessary fear and shame, and need counselling not being able to discriminate their own child, cause their own child pain, and allow sexist horrible men (not saying all men, I am saying the ones who did this to them) to continue ruling over their brains.

*We are allowing first mothers to veto an original birth certificate or say no contact but ignoring the fact many, and this is not just in the 1950s but even in the 1990s, of these girls came from very religious families and were kicked out of their homes for getting pregnant. They had to go be live in nannies, where magically they could tend to other people’s children but were seen as too stupid to care for their own, or with family who would take them in who lived far away enough that nobody would see their protruding belly who knew their parents. They were deeply shamed and bullied, and then they were manipulated into being demanded they always spoke well of their parents. By allowing vetos and no contact we are allowing their parents, alive or deceased, to continue belitting, abusing, manipulating, bullying, and shaming them like they did decades ago when they were young even if the abuse is just continuing in the mind of the first mother. Please note in the 1960s and earlier a father could lose his job if his daughter got pregnant, so there were empathetic parents of the 1940s, 1950s, and 1960s for girls and women who found themselves unexpectingly pregnant with nothing they could do about it because it would mean disaster for the whole family in those days. There were very, very few single mothers of those times because of the severe lack of women’s rights making it extremely difficult to be a single mother. Parents who kicked their daughters out past this era were just plain abusive and wanting to protect their image.

We allow first mothers to redact original birth certificates or say no contact yet some of these women are elderly and have dementia, and it’s their shocked kept children who are harmingly making these decisions for them out of ignorance of the problems of the adoption industry, ignorance of psychological well being, the fact us adoptees have been painted as commodity and not real people with real feelings by the adoption industry, or even pure immature jealousy.

We allow first mothers to redact original birth certificates or say no contact because their own abusive parents slammed them away into mental institutions for getting pregnant. Yes, America, there was a time when you were seen as crazy for getting pregnant before marriage. These women don’t need to be hiding away from their children, which only worsens their condition, they need to be helped and learn the psychiatrists and psychologists of the past were ignorant or frauds.

The point, ladies and gentlemen, is that a first mother unless she is a psychopath or a child abuser, does not move on from losing her child to adoption. A hole will always be in her heart from that loss. The elephant in the room, as I explained in a previous article, is the need for true psychological care and, perhaps even more importantly, a support group of first mothers by first mothers who are well educated on the abuse and problems of the adoption industry and adoption, and the need for adoption reformation such as Concerned United Birthparents. It’s important to avoid any “counselling” and “support groups” from adoption agencies as their agenda is only to further line their pockets and always make first mothers think adoption and the way adoption is done is perfect or near perfect.

Sealing original birth certificates, keeping original birth certificates sealed, asking for no contact with your adopted out adult child, asking for no contact with your adopted out child, allowing for redactions is never the answer. The answer is always authentic support and authentic counselling, none of which my own first mother (who absolutely was emotionally abused like millions of others) received. An original birth certificate belongs to us adoptees and must be given back to all of us, or the children of an adoptee if the adoptee is deceased. No contact is never the answer. Never. Contact may not happen over night, and for some years it may just be a twice a year letter, but the elephant in the room- mental health and past emotional abuse- must be acknowledged and properly addressed.

And a first mother or father, never has the right to tell other family members to ignore or unfriend their adopted out relative. An adoptee has a legal right to contact any biological kin that is eighteen or older. Another day I will speak about the truth of why biological kin who are children cannot be contacted. Another day I will get into the brainwashing, manipulative language the adoption industry and too many adopters use to silence adoptees who find reluctant, abusive, scared, or unempathetic biological family.

Abuse and the lack of women’s rights of the past is tied directly into adoption reunion disasters of today. These mothers deserve help.

Your Opinions Do Not Outweigh My Truths.

I have seen, over and over, that some (including some fogged adoptees) believe that their opinions outweigh my truths.  They aren’t just my truths, but truths for all. Or, more so, they believe that my counter argument is actually just my opinion. The truth of the matter is, I do not give out opinions. I give out facts.

It is a fact that women were handcuffed to hospital beds and their babies forcibly taken.

It is a fact that unmarried women, including rape victims, forcibly had their babies taken from them.

It is a fact that adoption agencies don’t have to pass along medical information even if the first parents ask them to.

It is a fact that birth parent privacy does not exist.

It is a fact that biological parents who don’t or didn’t want to be found are psychologically damaged.

It is a fact that adoption is not normal. Yes, in cases of child abuse children need to be removed from the home but the sealing of original birth certificates is still stupid.

It is a fact that all adoption begins in trauma.

It is a fact that forever family is a myth and around 25,000 adopted children in the US, many ELL students, are resold.

It is a fact that that most orphans in this world are not actually orphans.

It is a fact that some adoptees had their birthdates changed.

It is a fact that open adoption is not legally enforceable.

These are facts. These are not opinions. These are only the tip of the iceberg. To argue with facts is to be in refusal of truth.

 

 

Our Society is Really Screwed Up.

I’m really trying to avoid adoption talk until May. Trying. I need the break. The hell my biological maternal family has put me in has caused me numerous health problems. I was at the doctor today and actually mine was on vacation. The medical doctor I saw today happens to be an adoptee “too much toxicity they bring you” she says. Yes, we all could use therapy but nothing will help me until they get therapy. Until they realize their bullshit stinks and needs to change.

So, I’m not going to write a long one. I’m supposed to be namasteing and all that good stuff. Focusing on lowering my stress levels.

A closet is a very lonely home. Yet our society feels that adopted people belong in the closet. My own damn biological family members feel that I belong in the closet. Our society is really screwed up. There are so many adoptees who are brainwashed to believe they too belong in the closet.

People often wonder why I outed my biological mother, my uncles and others. Some don’t wonder they think I’m a terrible person.

I’m not.

Why did I do it?

  1. Because I am a person. No person belongs in a closet.
  2. For the good of my own biological mother. Who is learning, the hard way mind you, that everything she learned about adoption is wrong. Nothing good comes from hiding from your past, lying by ommittance, being lied to, being used (like she was), and more. If my biological mother is smart, she’ll learn I am actually helping her defog. That I did it out of love for her, my sisters, and for myself.
  3. Because real men don’t act like assholes and pretend their own kin doesn’t exist simply for being alive.

This is the problem with our society. When a mother or uncle or sister, for example, doesn’t want contact with their adopted out relative who found them we treat this no differently than a coworker who refuses to go on a date with another coworker. And it’s fucking preposterous. Sorry for the language but it really is. There is something seriously psychologically wrong with family members when they ignore or refuse contact with other family members simply for who they are.

And yes, damnit, I am a family member. I, nor any adoptee, should not be told “well you can’t force your way in.” There’s something sickening and psychologically deranged about a society that feels adoptees are no longer members of their biological family because time and a piece of paper changed who they grew up with. A piece of paper does not change DNA, and yes DNA does make a family.

Our society needs to change. That isn’t an opinion. That is a fact. People do not belong in closets. Adoptees, contrary to the belief of some, are humans.

Things need to change. People need to stop saying “Well, if a birthmom doesn’t want to be contacted or have her family contacted that should be respected.”

Horseshit it should. What needs to be said is, “Well, if a birthmom doesn’t want to be contacted it sounds like she’s blaming the conception on the adoptee or something is going on. Whatever it is, I hope she gets therapy. Not the adoptee’s fault.”

Some of the biggest people who need to shut up and wake up to this are my fellow adoptees. They go in walking on eggshells with the “well, I have to remain a secret if she wants it. That’s the polite thing I don’t want to disrupt her life.” Look, unless she is in abusive situation or from an Islamic country that would throw acid on her or execute her for premarital sex (which includes being raped) then please show a little respect for yourself. Refusing to stay in someone’s closet is not being disrespectful to them. My own biological mother might think I’m some terrible bitch. The only terrible bitches she actually knew where the people who didn’t support her to keep me, didn’t support to keep me in the family, and those who lied and said adoption is a good thing for me.

It is time for adoptees to take what nowadays is called a radical approach and outright refuse to be in anyone’s closet. And you know what? You don’t start a sentence with And. Okay, besides that you know what? Sometimes you have to force people to come out of their shell, to tell the truth about their past, otherwise they never do it, and they never heal. I hope any biological mother reading this becomes all the better, stronger, and wiser for it.

 

Yeah, stop fucking blaming us.

Sincerely,

the educated adoptees

 

Now, let me go namaste.

 

Why Aren’t Big Name Disease Research Companies Advocating for Adoptees?

All it should take for big named disease research companies like Epilepsy Foundation, Epilepsy Society, and the American Cancer Society to advocate for all adoptees and the children of adoptees to know their biological family health history is one email or one letter.

I know I’m not the only person to write to these companies. Many adoptees have, especially those who are battling a severe disease or disorder, like tonic clonic seizures  deadly form of epilepsy or cancer. Some cancers are not genetic, while some are, such as colon cancer. Seizures run in families.

This has nothing to do with doctor patient confidentiality. I explained this in 2016 to the American Board of Pediatrics in great detail and they still did not want to sign on. As I explained long ago in another article about first mother Lorraine Dusky’s biography about her daughter, adoption agencies do not gave to give out biological family medical information to their adopted out child or the adoptive parents even if a first (biological) parent asks them to, including in life or death situations. If you haven’t read A Hole in My Heart by Dusky yet you really need to, especially if you are from Rochester, NY. Lorraine’s adopted out daughter had epilepsy and was having grand mal seizures (now called tonic clonic seizures) by age five. Lorraine provided the information and Hillside refused to share it. The adoptive parents and the paediatrician asked for the biological family health history and Hillside lied and said they didn’t have it. Folks, this shit is still legal!

Yes, there are parents and grandparents out there, even in families not affected by adoption (or think they aren’t but we can get into late discovery adoption another day) who don’t want anyone knowing their health history. I get that. This goes beyond that. This is about approximately seven million American adoptees, plus internationally born adoptees, and their children and sometimes even their grandchildren (so long as children and grandchildren are the biological kin of the adoptee) who need and deserve their/our biological family health history and don’t have it.

You know who this also affects? The adoptive parents. My adoptive parents were lied to and were told they would get it. They never did. We didn’t know it until I started finding  family members.

It is discrimination for a person or their child or grandchild to not know his or her health risks that can be prevented because they are adopted. If a parent, biological or not, does not want to disclose their health information that is one thing and that is doctor/patient confidentiality. To allow adoption agencies to refuse to give life saving information or just general medical information is not doctor/patient confidentiality, but psychopathic behaviour.

Many states do not have a registry where first parents can fill in information or the adult aged siblings of the adoptee. Those states that do, well, first parents and adoptees are not told about them. You learn about them when you read blogs like this or join activist groups like Concerned United Birthparents or talk to first mothers like Lorraine Dusky and Joyce Bahr or Sandy Musser. Those that do have registries, and first mothers who do know about them were told in the past things like “this isn’t your child” “you are just the vessel” “you’re a whore” “you’ll go to hell if anyone finds out you had a baby before marriage” and many other phrases first mothers have told me, phrases used towards mothers of adoption loss in the USA, Ireland, and Australia. It leaves these mothers in dire need of psychological treatment.

You need to do more than reading blogs and comments on Facebook. You need to step in and do something for adoptees. You don’t have to be an adoptee to actually help adoptees. Write or email large named research organizations like Epilepsy Foundation, Epilepsy Society, The American Cancer Society, Brain and Behavior Research Founation, Asthma and Allergy Foundation of America, and the American Heart Association to name a few and present to them the facts that you learned here. Tell them they need to start advocating for adoptees to know their biological family health history. Advocate and say that all people need to know they’re adopted because late discovery adoption, where people don’t learn they are adopted, whether completely adopted or their dad isn’t their biological dad until they are adults, some in their senior years, actually wreaks medical havoc as the family health history they had happens to be all incorrect. It was and still is degrading to have to have said as a child to my doctors, “I don’t know. I’m adopted.” It is a pure example of why closed adoption is abuse. Why closed adoption must be considered child abuse on the law books, and why closed adoption must be banned.

So, please write or email. It’ll take you all of ten minutes total. Yes, if we get even just one of these groups on board to advocate for adoptees it will save lives. I know a woman right now who is an adoptee and a mom to a thirteen year old daughter. She is battling cancer and the doctors really want to know her biological family health history, but the agency and state are refusing to help in any way. They’d rather make a child an orphan and let a woman die. Does that sound honourable or noble to you? They aren’t protecting anyone but the multibillion dollar loosely regulated, uncredentialed adoption industry. If a biological parent, or any parent for that matter, were to refuse to give information when their own child is dying that’s a clear sign of anti social personality disorder because normal, good people simply just give it. Please, if you’re going to help out do not bring up birthparent privacy because birthparent privacy does not exist, and I’ve explained why and how numerous times.

How to Fix Adoption.

Before I begin this there are some things I need to clear up. Some people get confused and think I have very strong opinions. I don’t have strong opinions when it comes to adoption. I have strong facts. It is not okay to allow a veto on original birth certificates. It is not okay to pretend your adopted out relative doesn’t exist. It is not okay to keep original birth certificates sealed. It is not okay to deny a law abiding, good father the chance to sign the baby’s birth certificate and give him a chance to be a single father, and that includes teenage dads. It is not okay. I am so tired of people thinking any form of adoptee discrimination is acceptable, especially when it comes from other adoptees.

I used a picture of Dan Stevens because he’s an adoptee and for once I’d like to have some eye candy just to relax my mind a little.

What I present to you are not opinions. They are facts on how to fix adoption.

  1. Abolish closed adoption. It should be considered child abuse. Adoptees who have woken up and taken possession of the fact that closed adoption means: sometimes being a dirty secret, no obc, no story about your origins, no biological family medical information, no knowledge of heritage until ancestral DNA testing came along are awaken to the fact closed adoption is mental abuse. Closed adoption is pretending someone is dead or acting like you’re already dead. Anyone who advocates for closed adoption either doesn’t know his ass from his elbow if in one because they haven’t taken the time to research or because they have been guilt tripped into the “be thankful we adopted you” or they are not adopted at all and enjoy adopteesplaining, which is one someone tries to argue with an educated adoptee about adoption without being adopted themselves.

2. Legally enforce open adoption and give in court as much power to the first parents (or a first parent if the other is not safe) as to the adoptive parents. The adoption industry runs on the fact it lies to vulnerable girls and tells them open adoption is legally enforceable.

3. Stop sealing original birth certificates. Give a certificate of adoption instead to the adoptive parents.

4. Demand that the 14 states that still allow a convicted rapist visitation rights and partial custody of his children be abolished. Why is this even allowed? So many women would not be having abortions or feel compelled to give away their babies to adoption if they didn’t have to worry about their children or themselves coming in contact again with a “man” who should never be let out of prison. PS. I really like how in Nigeria if a man is caught raping anyone under 18 he has a huge rock tied to his testicles until they sometimes rip off. They then video tape it and I guarantee that’ll decrease violent crime rates. Too bad that isn’t legally allowed in Canada or the States. I totally approve of the Nigerian justice system in that circumstance.

5.  Demand Utah and South Carolina no longer allow mothers to give away their babies to adoption if the baby’s law abiding, safe father signed the birth certificate and has expressed interest in wanting to parent, including teenage dads.

6. Make it a law that if a teenage girl in foster care becomes pregnant that whoever wants to adopt the baby must adopt the teenage mother as well. It’s selfish to take a teenage foster child’s baby but leave her to rot in the foster system. No, I don’t care if “she has problems”. Of course, she has problems if she’s a teen in foster care whose baby you’re taking away from her and a teen in the foster system to begin with and a teen in the foster system who got pregnant. You help both chidren, you do not help yourself to a child.

7. Give back original birth certificates to every adoptee including those under the age of 18. If we’re not going to seal original birth certificates any longer and give a certificate of adoption instead then there is no reason why every single adoptee shouldn’t know their original name and original parents right here and now.

8. Interview all extended family members of the pregnant or new mother who walked into an adoption agency and that of the baby’s father (if he is known). My own adoption is a perfect example of a 100% unnecessary adoption. My maternal side is a ginormous, middle class to upper middle class family with many couples who were married when I was born. It is time to end the shame and secrecy involved in unplanned pregnancies and rape conceived pregnancies. If the parents of the baby truly cannot raise their baby then the extended family of both sides is interviewed to see who can raise the baby. Since we would no longer seal original birth certificates there are various options including: in family open adoption that is legally enforced, kinship care, or legal guardianship. Legally enforced open adoption, whether in family or out of family if good family cannot be found, would give the first parents rights to see and hear from their child without it being closed. The only way visitations would stop is if the first parents do something really bad that can be proven such as showing up high to see their child.

9. Stop allowing pregnant children as young as 13 to talk with adoption agency workers and give away their baby to adoption without a trust adult knowing. This occurs in the United States. If the young child’s own parents are abusive then look to another trusted adult who is at least 25 years old such as a teacher.

10. Stop allowing the lawyers of adoption agencies or the lawyers of a potentially adopting couple to say they are representing the pregnant mother or new mother. A lawyer cannot be paid by someone else and represent you. Either you have to pay for your own lawyer out of your own pocket, or your lawyer has to work pro bono for you and not to be hired by another entity.

11. Stop the myth that all adoptions are safe or good. The adoption industry is a multibillion dollar, uncredentialed, no oversight, loosely regulated multi billion dollar industry and those billions do not given 100% efficiency to finding safe homes for children. 102 ot 105 adopted children were killed in 2015 by their adoptive parents. 1 child is one child too many. Even more sad, some of those kids, and these are terrible tragedies only in America I’m not even discussing terrible tragedies of elsewhere, were raped and then murdered. This fall, of 2017, a precious little girl adopted from India was tortured to death by her adoptive father for not drinking milk. It drives me batty when people say, “well biological parents sadly kill their children too.” It cannot be compared. It’s the job of these people to find safe homes for these children and they have failed. Miserably.

12. Take the money out of adoption. Adoption agencies use lies, deceit, manipulation, and  subtle coercive language practices (you can argue all you want, but the fact is they do and I have given ample evidence over the years as have many others). They might show you other options but they want you to think adoption is going to be the best route. Why? Well, they make millions. Even the non-profit get back millions in tax returns. You see here’s the thing. Even if they are small, start up company and not one of the big box adoption agencies out there it’s the fact that if they don’t get vulnerable parents to give away their babies they don’t make money. It’s supply and demand. I know of an adoptee who went undercover, actually in a city where I used to hang out a lot (and never thought I’d say I miss it but I do), and she was told, “try to convince them not to keep their baby”. If we take the money out of adoption and make it 100% voluntary work we end the lies, deceit, manipulation etc.  so long as voluntary workers don’t get anything like a Christmas bonus, extra paid days off, or a brand new canoe for how many babies they manage to adopt away. This needs to become a completely voluntary based things because when it becomes voluntary, if you look at what happened with Australia, 95% of adoptions will cease to ever occur. It’ll become finding homes for babies and children who need it, the truly orphaned, the truly neglected, the abused, and babies born on drugs or whose parents are on drugs with no stable extended family.

13. Stop the myth of birthparent privacy. Birthparent privacy does not exist. The original birth certificate is not sealed until the adoption is finalized, so if a baby if given away but ends up growing up in foster care he keeps his original birth certificate making privacy null and void. Birthparent privacy is a sugarcoated word for making an adoptee someone else’s dirty little secret. It’s emotional abuse and it is never okay. Now, I understand if a first mother was tricked into thinking it’s okay but once she knows better she must do better. The biological family of the adoptee, the adoptive family of the adoptee, friends of the adoptee, everyone must stop thinking it is ever appropriate or psychologically a good reason to make the adoptee a dirty secret. If the first mother’s life is in danger  if her husband found out about her other child then it is time to find the mother a safe place to go and get her out of a dangerous marriage using the expert advice of a person, such as a lawyer, who works with such women. You are not honouring, respecting, or helping the mother of adoption loss (or father of adoption loss) by any means by refusing contact or ignoring your adopted out relative. This is not an opinion, it is a fact that is backed up by hundreds of first mothers, some who conceived their children badly, including groups such as Concerned United Birthparents. Veto abilities that are popping up in some provinces and states are telling mothers of adoption loss it’s okay to hide in your closet of shame, guilt, denial, and refuse to heal from your past. From a psychological standpoint it’s further damaging these tragic mothers, and causing harm to adoptees and their biological kin. Some day, some day people will have reason and comprehend that I talk with facts.

14. Listen to educated adoptees.

We get adoption the best. Why? Because we live it. We’re the least heard people but the most knowledgeable on the subject. A because we live it. B. because we’ve done our research.

15. Discuss the elephant in the room.

Psychological problems. Unless someone is a psychopath, they don’t give away their children and have no psychological residue from it. If they say they are over it or moved on they are without a single doubt lying. They’re not lying because they’re bad people. They’re lying because they were forced to lie all of their lives since the adoption took place. Even if a first mother says something along the lines of “adoption was a good choice because my son got a stable home” doesn’t mean that she didn’t have depression or PTSD. All women who lose their babies to adoption suffer at least some degree of a psychological problem with PTS (post traumatic stress) and depression being the most likely. Fertility problems then show up with first mothers having the highest rate of secondary infertlity. Other first mothers have numerous kept children to try and make up for the lost child. Depression and PTSD rates are outrageously high. Adoptees are 18 times more likely to have depression and/or anxiety than non adopted people and four times more likely to kill themselves. I think those statistics are for closed adoptees. I’m not sure. I cannot imagine in family adoption or completely open adoptions that stay open resulting in such abyssmal results for adoptees, but I need to look into that in time.

Look, some of the stuff I’m writing up tonight I’ve repeated several times. Adoptees are made to sing and dance like they are happy. First mothers, perhaps even more so today, are made to sing and dance and be the happy bee mommies so their open adoptions remain open. Parents who reject contact and/or ask other family members to ignore their adopted out child who found his or her family have psychological problems. The problem is we still have so many myths surrounding adoption, first parents, adoptees, and mental health that it makes it so complicated and so complex to get these people help. I say “something is psychologically wrong with you” and people will automatically think it’s a terribly rude thing to say. It’s not. People continue to think it is and the reason they do is because it’s been used as a diss for far too long. Mental health be it bipolar disorder, PTSD, depression, anxiety, OCD, whatever the case may be is something we need to discuss. If you were in my shoes and denied to know your real name, who you look like, your heritage growing up, and denied now to get to know your half sisters you too probably would have a really shitty level of anxiety. If you lost your child to adoption because your White parents didn’t approve that the baby is half black or because you’re only seventeen and in the foster system or because you live in Maryland where convicted rapists can get visitation rights of their rape conceived babies and you had to choose adoption to keep yourself and your baby protected or you lost your child to adoption because your narcissistic ex girlfriend gave him away behind your back when you signed his birth certificate, finished school, found yourself an apartment and a full time job and bought everything baby needs within 2 months yeah you wouldn’t be psychologically okay. This isn’t about choice. It’s time we stop saying “it’s a choice to be happy”. People don’t choose depression, just like people don’t choose to have cancer. If I tell anyone, and believe me I have, that they are not psychologically well and they need help it’s done out of love. It’s done to make them better. It’s not me or my wording that needs to change it’s societies’ be it Canadian, British, American. That may seem really bold of me to say, and opinionated but it’s not. Losing your family, losing your baby for any reason, any reason at all is a tragedy. This doesn’t mean you don’t love your adoptive parents (if they are good, like mine). It doesn’t mean you never laugh again or that you mope about all day until you succumb to an early death. It means all adoption starts in tragedy be it because the original parent is in prison, deceased on drugs, tricked into adoption because she’s financially scared, or a million other reasons because it is not human nature to split mother and child. Of course there will be times when splitting is necessary because you wouldn’t want a child being raised by someone who is snorting up crack (and no most first mothers are not drug addicts) but even then there is still tragedy. Let’s look at teenagers who are adopted after being abused by their biological family. I know such teenagers. They are very happy to be adopted, but they too have psychological problems because of the abuse and because their original families didn’t work out like they should have.

Bottom line is we really need to stop thinking mental health problems or admitting we have a mental health problem or telling someone they need to seek help is a bad thing or a rude thing. We also need to stop using phrases like “you’re nuts” “you’re insane” as vicious forms of bullying. I’ve had people tell me “you need psychological help” but they’re not doing it to be kind, they’re doing it because I’m made I told them that back in the 1960s unmarried women and girls who got pregnant were forced to give away their babies for adoptions, sometimes even handcuffed to the hospital beds and they’re just very upset I revealed this truth to them because no, it’s not easy to hear.

Nothing is going to really change until people get the psychological help they need and that includes for kept siblings because no, you’re not okay, or fine, or alright, or hunky dory after learning you have a sibling out there you didn’t know about. The shock has to be absolutely riveting but I strongly believe they deserve to know the truth, and if the first parent is refusing to tell or plans on never telling it’s up to the adopted out sibling if everyone is an adult. (Legally an adoptee cannot tell biological family under 18 about their existence. You do realize this is done because they don’t want the child to feel they too will be given away. Many adoptees, including myself, in our psyche deal with abandonment issues).

16. Make women’s studies and psychology look at adoption and its problems. 

I can guarantee from just the bolded text of #16 alone people will get defensive and say not all adoptions are bad. Where did I say all adoptions are bad? Sealing the original birth certificate is bad but would you want those teenagers I know to have remained with their abusive biological family members? The facts remain there are a lot of problems with adoption. I have an article about 100 things wrong with adoption and that list isn’t even close to being exhaustive. I wrote many universities discussing how adoption and its aftermath effects need to be discussed in women’s studies and psychology classes and only one university, Stanford, decided to put it into its curriculum looking at problems such as adoptee suicide rates, secondary infertility, sealed original birth certificates, trauma, psychological care, and so much more. One university. Why? Because adoption is so prevalent and nobody wants to rock the boat of those who work in universities who are adoptive parents.

17. Demand the Irish can contact their first mothers.

As recently as 1996, the Catholic Church of Ireland was involved in forcefully taking babies away from unmarried women and girls, including rape conceived babies. They finally in 2016 allowed Irish adoptees to get their original birth certificate but put it under law that they can’t contact their first mothers. This has nothing to do with privacy. I can’t do anything about this but the Irish citizens can and they need to. This isn’t about protecting mothers. This is about covering ass for the Catholic Church of Ireland and the Irish government who shipped out fatherless children to Canada, the States, and Australia to be servants, and sometimes loved by their rich adoptive parents. This went on from post WWII to 1996. I don’t have a lot of Irish followers but I really wish I did. This Irish mothers, some of not so long ago, were brutally, brutally treated and shamed for getting pregnant. These women, just like any other mother of adoption loss, need psychological help so they can finally heal and be free. It’s time to stop protecting those in power who did evil.

18. No more free anything in exchange for baby.

No explanation needed.

19. Stop the myth that adoption is the loving choice and that pregnant mothers get time to think it over.

I know this pisses off a lot of people. I get that, but it won’t make it stop saying it. I’d rather tell an uncomfortable truth than a comfortable lie. Adoption is not a loving choice done by a first mother. It’s done because she is manipulated, bullied, shamed,  maybe even beaten into adoption. The only exception would be I did it to keep my baby literally alive, to which we then need to ask where was the help for the mother to keep her safe? Brainwashing vulnerable mothers to say “I gave you up because I loved you so much” is absolutely abuse of both mother and lost child because it’s stating that you don’t love them if you keep them. To the adoptee, many adoptees have abandonment issues in their psyche regardless of what caused the adoption which is a huge reason why some don’t search. The other thing that drives me batty is when someone says well she had time to think it over. No, she doesn’t. First of all because a lot of first mothers are tricked into thinking open adoptions stay open they have no problem signing the papers. When only closed adoption was around but so was abortion and so was keeping, like in the 1980s, (and again adoption agencies like to show themselves as the best option) mothers only got a very, very small window to change their minds, and it’s still like that. In some states they have only until the 24 hours from when they are discharged. Other states it’s only 5 days. Look, in some states yes it’s 90 days but you know that happens? They mark the baby as abandoned, they refuse to tell her where the baby is being fostered until the 90 days or whatever days are up. Like I said, it’s shady.

20. Abolish adoption advertisment.

The adoption industry spends millions on propaganda. Do you notice how they enjoy lumping in out of family infant adoption with that of an abused child needing a new home? It’s time to stop allowing adoption agencies to lurk on people’s Facebook pages and stop allowing them to go into schools especially middle and high schools. This doesn’t mean I believe in abortion propaganda either. The adoption and abortion industries have so many things wrong with them that they need a massive overhaul before they start sending out messages.

21. Change society’s thinking.

Whether it’s Britain or America or Ethiopia, or many other nations, it’s really time to stop  blaming the survivor when it comes to rape. I hope she doesn’t mind me writing about her, if she ever comes across this blog of mine, but Zahara Jolie Pitt was adopted because her first mother conceived her in rape. You know why her first mother had to give her away to adoption? Because in Ethiopian society more blame is put on the survivor and her child than the rapist (unlike Nigeria where they rip his balls off by hanging a big rock to his nuts, another reason to add to my list of why I like being friends with Nigerian, and yes that is legal in Nigeria. Do not attempt this in countries where it’s illegal.) I volunteered with an Ethiopian refugee teenage boy who was attending school for the first time at age 15 in January 2012 because he was Deaf and Deaf children aren’t allowed to go to school in Ethiopia or any child who has a disability because they are seen as “cursed”. I don’t know if that is only a rural thing because usually in developing nations urban communities are smarter, or if it was just his tribe or if it’s a problem throughout Ethiopia but my point is that adoption is often a band aid solution for a country’s need to change. China is another example. Minority Chinese can have 3 children, before it was 2. Han Chinese can have 2 children, before it was 1. Obviously, if twins occur at a later pregnancy that exception is made. Since the 1970s at least 77 million Chinese women have been forced into abortion or adoption, so the abandoned baby girls of China does happen and sexism is strong but many babies were loved and wanted to be kept by their parents but the penalty is losing one year of your salary and only the upper class can afford that. Children who are born after the allotted number are not permitted a huzou, which means these children cannot get an education and they cannot get health care. (A lot of children in America are going to be denied their “huzou” if we don’t Federally act upon CHIP). Adoption is not going to solve these problems. Grassroots efforts to change societies are. Trust me, America has a lot of things about itself it needs to change.

22. Abolish pre birth consent.

Because it’s really creepy to make an unborn baby the property of the state to be adopted away so someone else can make a profit.

23. Help infertile couples grieve properly.

Adoption is not going to erase the pain of infertility. That is my adoptive mom saying that.

24. Come to terms with the fact many adoptive parents are self centered.

I’ve mentioned this before. My adoptive dad is the one saying that. A lot get mad that their adopted children want to search. My dad says, “you’re raising someone else’s kid. If you don’t want them to search then you should not have adopted.” There are many good adoptive parents out there, but there are many who are downright possessive.

25. This one is from my adoptive mom. Put prison time or a heavy fine on anyone who resells their adopted child.

It’s not rehoming, it’s reselling. My mom says you wouldn’t give away your biological child you bore and raised because they have a behavior problem (and some of these kids are given away simply because they get in the way of work schedules) you would get them help, even if that means in treatment centres. My mom believes anyone who has resold their kid deserves either a year or two in prison or at least a $200,000 fine the money would go to something good like helping children who are abused. Like my adoptive mom says, children are not animals and dogs shouldn’t even be treated this way. People who discard children like they are a dog should be punished. It’ll end reselling.

26. This one is from my adoptive mum. Abolish international adoption until UNICEF and the UN make a full investigation into how and why so many children are in orphanages and what safety measurements are being used to make sure these children land up in good homes. 

 

*This is long. I’ll do through and edit as I can. I do see some grammatical mistakes. I’ll get to it when I get to it.

 

It’s Okay to Grieve.

So many adoptees along with first mothers, first fathers, kept siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins of an adopted out member of their family are either unaware that they are allowed to grieve the loss of their family member or are afraid to.

It is various westernized societies along with the multibillion dollar, uncredentialed, loosely regulated adoption industry that has set this up. You hear it from the “happy adoptees”. You hear it from first mothers. You hear it from the brothers. Excuse after excuse given because people either haven’t been woken up to the truth or the truth terrifies them.

Adoption starts in loss. It doesn’t matter how or why the adoption comes about. The adoptee loses her ability to live among her own people. If it’s in family adoption, which is a million times better and something that needs to be supported (family preservation is key), the child may have lost a parent to prison or death. The kept siblings and kept cousins lose the chance to grow up with their brother/sister/cousin. The mother and father lose the chance to parent their child and see their milestones. This does not mean they ever stop being their parent (noun) only that they do not get to the chance to parent (verb). Of course, this is much, much, much worse when it is closed adoption and open adoptions that close. Closed adoption must be considered child abuse. Closed adoption has only detrimental affects upon the adoptee, the adoptees’ blood family members, and to adoptive parent who wake up and see the light of the abusive practices of it.

Today, first mothers are made to dance and sing happily like the slaves in Gone With the Wind, those happy bee mommies who praise open adoption. Why? Two reasons. Either because they are clueless that open adoptions can and do close because, thankfully, theirs has remained open (and I have profound respect for adoptive parents who choose only an open adoption and keep it open) or because they know the risk and must defend adoption at all cost so that they get continual contact with their child.

The subtle coercive language practices, brainwashes, and outright abuse in the adoption industry is so extremely prevalent. Although harsh abuse of unmarried pregnant women is a thing of the past (as far as I know) the remnants of those very dark times remain with older first mothers who are so deep in the adoption fog still destroys themselves, their adopted out children, and the entire family to this day. This isn’t rare. This effects tens of millions of people across the US, and that’s just the US alone.

Unmarried women, including rape survivors, from Australia to Ireland to Canada to France to Spain to Italy to South Korea to the United States to Great Britain to the Netherlands and so many other countries were bullied, shamed, and brainwashed and told their “child was not their child” “they were just the vessel” “they can marry later and have children of their own” “a child needs a two parent family” (but conveniently never a two parent household in the extended family). These are just some brainwashing techniques used by my own revolting adoption agency.

If you watch reunion videos, where the adoptee reunites with the biological family which should happen in every single case (as that’s what moral people do) you can outwardly see this complete lack of allowing the biological family, especially the first mother, grieve the decades lost. Comments from “I would love to meet her. I gave her away at 16, got married at 26 and had two children of my own.” Of their own? No, they had three children all along. This is just one example of many I can give. Mothers and fathers of adoption loss are made to feel they weren’t good enough. It’s in a man’s DNA to provide for his offspring. A man who isn’t given the help to do that feels incomplete and carries this shame, only to, sadly quite often, blame his ex or worse yet, blame his own child or children. Mothers of adoption loss, and first fathers, even if they do the right thing and reunite (without keeping their adopted out child a secret) are made to think that adoption was the only way, that there was no other way, and so they must be happy about it. I can guarantee you that unless an entire family was on drugs or abusive, there is always another way. Always. So many mothers across the world were literally forced into adoptions. If you get pregnant not married, you had to give your child away. If your wife died in childbirth you had to give your child away. Closed adoption is nothing more than pretending a living person is already dead. If that doesn’t fuck with people’s minds I don’t know what will.

Kept siblings are not even thought of by the adoption industry. Older children born before their baby brother or sister is given away are left grieving without any real outlet out there to help them. Either they are brainwashed under the mother’s or father’s pain and told to “not talk to their adopted out sibling” or “forget they even exist” such as in my  tragic case, and maybe one day my siblings will wake up and learn so much of what they’re learning about me are complete lies, and maybe they and a friend of mine will begin to learn ignoring their adopted out sibling is not respecting the parent, but the parents’ shame, guilt, and fear. Some kept siblings may feel their adopted out sibling “exposed” the family when what was exposed was the shame the family kept, shame that should have never existed in the first place, shame brought on by elders in the family, religion, society, being attacked (women and mothers unnecessarily feeling shame of something they had no prevention over especially those who were told the attack was their fault), fill in the blank. Kept siblings who learn about a sibling they didn’t know exist go through immense shock and trauma, if they say any different they have not yet faced their emotions and started their healing.

Next, we hear from those happy adoptees. Look, people -especially some adoptees- get this part very confused. They think because you speak about the elephant in the room (psychological problems and adoption), and the numerous problems with how adoption operates, that that means you hate your adoptive parents, adoptive family, being adopted etc. The matters are split. You can love and enjoy growing up in your adoptive family and still grieve for the family God originally intended you to have, your biological family.  You can know that being adopted makes you the person you are today, but still grieve over a mean first parent who isn’t letting you talk to your siblings and is telling God knows what about you, your conception, and your adoption. The happy adoptees who harp on about how adoption is awesome and anyone who thinks differently is a moron. The problem here is that their thinking is utterly false, and not because that’s my opinion but that is fact. These are the adoptees who are blind to the facts or too afraid to face the facts that:

*Up until the late 1970s or earlier 1980s in Canada and the States, and as recently as 1996 in Ireland, that unmarried women and girls who were pregnant were forced to give their babies away.

*Are unaware that prior to abortion (and I am prolife, not pro birth, and adoption is not the answer to abortion) unmarried girls and women, including rape survivors, were forced to give their babies away. Yet these happy adoptees are the ones who get so mad at the truthspeakers who mention that their first mother did not choose adoption out of love, but out of force. In fact, in the 1960s in some US states, a father could lose his job if his unmarried daughter got pregnant (I don’t have the source in front of me so I can’t name which states).

*Their mothers of adoption loss were extremely shamed and bullied due to their religious upbringing, rich economic upbringing, culture, society, what have you for getting pregnant.

Many adoptees today are not members of the adoptee rights movement because their adoptive parents are mad that the baby they spent $38,000 on (we’ll get into “adoption fees” bullshit another time) wants to know their roots. September 2016 walking back from the end of the driveway to pick up the recycling bins, my adoptive dad said to me and I quote “most people who adopt are self centered.” I was told to search by both of my adoptive parents. My adoptive parents are very aware now of how bad the adoption industry operates and how therapy is so badly needed for all affected by adoption.

It’s true a lot of people who adopt are self centered. I remember trying to inform an adoptee from Britain, who was special needs, that she has every right to search for her biological family. Her adoptive mother told her “only nasty adoptees do that.” That doesn’t make someone their child. It makes someone their coveted possession. A lot of people who adopt have psychological problems and expect their adopted child to fill in the blank for them. A lot of adoptees are made to feel that the people and culture they come from is inferior. Does this mean I hate adoptive parents? Not entirely. There are many good adoptive parents out there. Don’t automatically assume I automatically hate all adoptive parents. Some children need to be adopted in order to save their lives, of course, like I keep saying without sealing the original birth certificate.

An adoptee looking for their biological family and their roots, and wanting connections, isn’t a bad person. They aren’t an ungrateful adoptee. The people who are ungrateful are those who disrespect the adoptee by making him or her forget about an entire part of their own identity. Imagine, if you aren’t adopted, if you suddenly learnt that you are Irish and that you have some family still in Ireland, but now everyone around you is telling you that you must pretend that you are only Serbian and that you are never allowed to travel to Ireland, contact your Irish relatives, listen to Irish music, or say anything else but “my parents are Serbian and so am I.” If this sounds ridiculous, welcome to the life of many adoptees. Fortunately, not all households are this nuts, but yes some are.

The children of adoptees grieve the loss of not knowing their biological grandparents, their much older cousins, and their aunts and uncles.

The bottom line here folks is that whether you are a first parent, an adoptee, or another blood relative of the adoptee be it a sister or cousin or aunt or uncle, you have every right to grieve the loss of your family member

 

just like you have every right to say hello to them or send them a card in the mail even if the mother or father of adoption loss doesn’t want you to because they’re unwilling to accept truth and reality (in which we must pray for them). Mothers and fathers of adoption loss, without a single doubt, must grieve the loss of their adopted out child. The fact first parents have been bullied not to is evident in the aftermath of high post adoption drug addiction rates, having a surplus of kids to try and replace the lost son or daughter, secondary infertility, PTSD, and more I may not be aware of.

 

You Don’t Need to be a First Parent or Adoptee to Join the Adoptee Rights Movement: Why You Should Join.

Hi, 🙂

you may know me or not know me. Aside from being an adoptee rights activist, I also care about animals, the environment, all children, the elderly, and more. I’m down to earth, can be hilarious, and I love painting, sculptures, theatre acting, and being by water to name a few. I know you’re busy and won’t take up too much of your time. Maybe you’re thinking you’re already devoted to the cause of finding a cure for cancer, a very noble cause, or are just too busy being a caretaker, but becoming an activist for adopted people (and for first parents too, a more polite term for biological parents and never say birthparent) only needs to take a few minutes per month of your time if that’s all you can  give.

If you do want to have a long read (perhaps you’re stuck indoors on a stormy night and the Netflix stopped working) be all means feel free to read my numerous articles on this blog. Otherwise I am going to do this question and answer style. This will take up approximately 20 minutes of your time. If you need links to proof of any of this, just ask.

  1. How severe is adoptee discrimination? Adopted people and their children have died in cases because of adoptee discrimination. One death is one death too many especially of a child when it could have been prevented.
  2. Is open adoption better than closed adoption? Absolutely. However, open adoption is not legally enforceable and approximately 75% of open adoptions close by kindergarten age.
  3. Is first parent privacy real? No! It does not exist. It is a lie. It is a myth. The original birth certificate is not sealed until the adoption is finalized. If a baby is given away for adoption or taken and ends up growing up in foster care, he or she keeps his or her original birth certificate making privacy null and void. If it were about privacy, and it’s not, the original birth certificate would not be made in the first place. Another example to give you. When I volunteered at a shelter, a pair of 15 year old twins were going to be adopted. This means that even though they knew their abusive parents for 15 years, they too would have their original birth certificate sealed. Once it’s sealed, you aren’t allowed access to it if you’re a closed adoptee even if you reunite. In NY, original birth certificates were not sealed until Senator Lehman bought 2 children from the human trafficker Georgia Tann which can be read about in The Baby Thief by Barbara Raymond. Psychopath and child kidnapper, Georgia Tann, was paramount in spreading the birthparent privacy lie.
  4. What does it mean to be a closed adoptee? It means no biological family medical information including in life or death situations (although some have a little bit). It means no updated biological family medical information – and an adoption agency can refuse to send it to you, your doctor, or your adoptive parents even if you’re dealing with something extremely serious like epilepsy, even if your first parents ask them to. It means growing up with people who look nothing like you, which for some they don’t care and for others they feel very weird about it. It means not having your original birth certificate simply because you’re adopted, but knowing non-adopted serial killers and other evil folk are allowed theirs. It means not being allowed to know your original name. It means not being allowed to have a passport depending on when and how old you were at the time of your adoption. It means not being allowed to know your heritage (ex: French American, Irish Canadian) although this part has changed thanks to Bennett Greenspan creating Family Tree DNA who I interviewed in January. In some states, by the way, adoptees are not allowed to do genetic testing even if pregnant to see if their baby has any hereditary diseases such as cystic fibrosis. It means looking through the crowd looking for people who look like you. It means accidentally sleeping with your cousin, or worse yet, sibling you didn’t know you were related to. Albeit rare, these cases occur. Adoption agencies in the USA were splitting apart twins for higher profit as recently as the early 1990s and last year a pair of boy/girl twins came to discover they had married each other and that is why they couldn’t get pregnant. No, it wasn’t a fake news site, but had made big news media. China and Korea have been caught red handed splitting apart twins for higher profit even now in the 21st century. Being a closed adoptee means spending over 70,000 hours of your time trying to put the million piece jigsaw puzzle of your origin back together so you can find your biological family, although DNA is making this outrageously large amount of hours (think decades) drop significantly.
  5. Why should I get involved in the adoptee rights movement? Empathy. Everyone deserves to know who they are. Everyone deserves their original birth certificate. Everyone deserves to know their roots. Everyone deserves their family medical history not only for themselves but for the children and grandchildren of adoptees. Also, because of late discovery adoption. This year alone I have come across 4 adults who didn’t learn until their 50s or 60s that they were adopted. Imagine reading this and then suddenly learning one or, worse yet, both of your parents are not your biological parents. You suddenly learn you have a whole family out there. You also suddenly realize all of the family medical history you gave your doctor, and your child’s pediatrician, is wrong.  Everyone deserves to have a relationship with their biological family if safe. Late discovery adoption is more common than you think. Discovering you have a cousin, niece, nephew, or more surprising brother or sister who was given away to adoption (or taken in a brutal forced adoption of the 1940s-1970s in North America) is something everyone needs to psychologically prepare for and you do that by reading the recommended reading list given below.
  6. What if a first parent doesn’t want to be found? Too bad. That isn’t said meanly, but with empathy and conviction of knowing precisely what society needs to change and how. Nowhere in the course of psychology or sociology is it appropriate to make one person the dirty secret of another person. Nowhere in psychology nor sociology is it healthy to hide from your past. This is precisely why the rate of depression, post-adoption drug addiction, and PTSD is outrageously high for first mothers. What if they were raped you asked? My answer, why are you blaming the adoptee for their own conception? Having a friend whose three year old was conceived through rape, she can tell you even though she nearly died at the hands of a serial killer (thankfully now dead) she absolutely loves her adorable, happy, loving three year old son as much as she loves her other much older children. 75% of women who conceive through the brutal act of rape keep their babies. For those psycholocially unable to care for their child let’s look to someone else in the family to raise the child and if nobody can then only out of family legal guardianship. It is time for society to stop blaming the children for the crimes of their fathers and to stop thinking the child is the reminder of the rape. My friend has been very clear that it’s the physical scars and multiple surgeries that are the reminder, not her son. Yet people have sent not only her death threats but her preschooler death threats, which shows how many idiotic cowards there are. Please see my article The Problem With No Contact Preference and Redactions from January 26th, 2018 which explains in detail the major psychological problems of no reunion and the psychological problems holding some first mothers back from contact.
  7. What can I do to help? You can write your local politicians asking them to unseal original birth certificates with no vetoes and no redactions because a person’s authentic birth certificate should always belong to them. You can get yourself tested with sites like Family Tree DNA and ancestry.com to make sure you yourself are not a closed adoptee or that you don’t have an adopted out relative who would really like your company and family medical history. You can educate yourself with books such as A Hole in My Heart by Lorraine Dusky, The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler, Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier, videos like those by Joe Soll on youtube, and well researched blogs such as this one, firstmotherforum.com and the extremely, extremely well researched blog adoptionbirthmothers.com just to name a few. You can talk to women like Joyce Bahr, Sandy Musser, and Mirah Riben three of the most active, smartest first women on the planet; literally. You can advocate to politicians to unseal adoption records. You can understand much of the sealing went on to cover the asses of big shots who got young girls, like their secretaries, pregnant and the girls being shamed for it while sexist adage “boys will be boys” was said. You can get activated over making sure all adoptees have their original family medical history, or their children if the adoptee is deceased. You can stand up and say all humans deserve equality, and that includes not being someone’s dirty secret or being a commodity. Advocate that minors can’t meet with an adoption agency without having a trusted known adult present. Currently, in the US, girls as young as 13 are meeting with adoption agencies without a trusted adult (parent, grandparent, favourite teacher) knowing about it. Yet these same children need a hall pass to the bathroom at middle school. You can say it’s time to put more regulations on adoptions if we have more on buying and selling a house. You can advocate to make sure open adoptions are legal enforceable. You can speak up about the emotional abuse and discrimination that comes along closed adoption. You can write the UN and tell them to look into the problem of relaxed laws and how paedophiles are easily adopting from Asian countries. You can write the US government and demand they sign the UN Rights of a Child because it will directly make a positive impact on safer adoptions. You can donate to Lumos or UNICEF which helps with family preservation. You can donate to Saving Our Sisters through Concerned United Birthparents to help a young couple keep their baby instead of donating to a gofundme page of those who want to have someone else’s baby.
  8. What do you mean a commodity? Ever heard about finding a child “a forever home.” Unfortunately, according to a Reuters investigation from 2013, around 25,000 adopted children in the US every year, mostly from Asia and Africa, (who cannot speak English and do not know American culture) are resold sometimes to paedophiles. It’s really, really disgusting and horrible. In fact, a politician from Arkansas adopted two girls from Africa (I do not know which African country) and he had them resold and they ended up in the hands of a paedophile.
  9. Isn’t the adoption industry well regulated? I mean people looking to adopt have to go through so much. You would think so with how hard it is to adopt babies, but in fact the adoption industry is uncredentialed, has no oversight, and is less regulated than America’s and Canada’s real estate industries. If you really want to delve into the economics of the adoption industry, that makes $12 billion annually, read everything by Mirah Riben at mirahriben.blogspot.com. Mirah is someone you want to talk to directly. She is an economical genius about the adoption industry, and was aired multiple times on national TV about a child murdered by their adoptive parents.
  10. Wait did you just say murdered? Aren’t adopted kids going to loving homes? Mostly. This is a huge, huge, huge reason I speak up because kids adopted out of foster care are being abused at a higher rate in their adoptive homes than their biological homes (*please note this has to be checked, I heard this and have not done the research on it yet). In 2015, 102 to 105 adopted children in the US were ghastly raped and murdered or murdered by their adoptive parents. One child is one child too many. The adoption industry failed those children by not doing decent enough backgrounds. Countless other adopted children grew up or currently grow up in their adopted household surviving abuse, racism, and/or servitude. Bringing this up does not mean I do not recognize the good and loving adoptive parents out there. In 2017 an Indian born adopted little girl was tortured to death by her adoptive father. This is reason enough to say it’s time to look at the entire system.
  11. Well, first parents choose adoption because they were too poor/too young and they are happy and adoptees are happy because they are in loving homes. Up until the late 1970s or early 1980s (depending on the state or province) a girl, if unmarried, was forced to give away her baby. Prior to abortion, women and girls were not only forced but were even stabbed in the privates after birth as punishment and/or handcuffed to the bed, called whores, and other extreme forms of abuse. Extreme abuse of unmarried women and girls, including rape survivors, took place in the US, Canada, the UK, Ireland, Spain, Australia, France, Israel, and other nations. From the early 1980s to today the adoption industry has used subtle coercive language tactics to take babies from mothers. They also still engage in coercion (*see Kimberly Rossler case of Alabama). Quite often the pregnant mother is shamed by her parents and kicked out of her house and the adoption agency doesn’t look for extended family that can help because they wouldn’t make a profit. If they do, they are one of the few ethical ones out there or if they do they say the child would be a burdened. They often tell the pregnant mother her options but always paint the others negatively and adoption in the positive. The vast majority of first parents, now and in the past, come from middle to upper middle class suburbs, and not from poverty. My own story is a perfect example of an unnecessary adoption. There is a severe lack of rights for first fathers. Girls and women can be shipped out to Utah where the baby’s father loses all custody rights of his child even if he is a law abiding man or teenage boy who signed the baby’s original birth certificate. In some states it’s legal for the boyfriend to abandon the pregnant mother so she becomes more likely to go the adoption route. This is only scratching the surface of the iceberg. Please read my article First Mothers Do Not Get Time to Think It Over or something titled closely to that.
  12. How can I stand up for first parents? Tell them they are parents of adoption loss. Agencies liked to objectify these mothers. For example, mine was told she was only a vessel. Not a mother, not a human, but a mere object. This is psychological and emotional abuse that wreaks devastation on generations. Become educated about the high PTSD and depression rate (and suicide rates of closed adoptees are four times higher than that of the general population). Advocate for certified therapists and psychologists to be able to reach first parents and first parents to know they deserve to reach out to them, as many have been told if they tell anyone of their baby they’ll go to hell, or that only weak people cry over their lost child. Inform them about the support group Concerned United Birthparents. Sit with them, listen, and tell them they have nothing to be ashamed about, that they were bullied, not supported, etc.
  13. Are you anti adoption? Do you hate adoptive parents? Well, I certainly hate the ones that abused, murdered, resold, etc. I think the vast majority of adoptive parents are very loving. I have loving adoptive parents and I have friends who are adoptive parents. Am I anti adoption? Yes and no. Yes, I am simply because adoption needs to stop the practice of discriminating adoptees such as sealing our original birth certificate. We need to change this practice from sealing original birth certificates to giving the adoptive parents a certificate of adoption instead. Closed adoption must be abolished as it is abuse in the hearts and minds of many, and if you had to endure what I had to endure daily from it (being a dirty secret, being kept from my many siblings, not knowing my own family medical history growing up, not knowing where my talents come from, not knowing my heritage before testing you’d know why suicide rates are so damn high amongst closed adoptees). Yes, there are some babies and children who need to be adopted- children whose family members are all on drugs and children whose family members are all abusive. Children whose parents are in prison or are deceased and in all of these cases in family legal guardianship should always be sought first, and if not then we look to out of family legal guardianship whilst we fight to make it legally enforced open adoptions only (obviously we do not want abusive, if any, biological family near the children). If we were to take the money out of adoption, like Australia did, 95% of infant adoptions wouldn’t happen because that was the results of Australia. My own adoptive parents are activists for change.

This easily could have 100 more statements to it. Easily. However, I rest my case here and I hope you decide to become an adoptee rights activist.

Please note you need to have a thick skin. You will receive a lot of nasty replies from people who don’t want you to dare say anything bad about adoption.

Someone Keeps Anonymously Sending Me Mail to My House Part 1. Police Have Been Updated.

I do not believe this anonymous person, who isn’t brave enough to put his or her name on the mail they are sending to my house is a biological cousin or biological sibling of mine. This is the second ridiculous piece of mail I have gotten out of Rochester, NY from this person. Going on the last ridiculous piece of mail I received this person I am guessing is:

A Korean adoptee

Possibly a friend of my biological family seeing as it’s coming out of Rochester, NY but my guess is they are not.

Any mail or email that is sent to you comes under your property.

Does anyone else find it creepy this person took the time to figure out where I live and has even google mapped my home? Actually, it’s not my home it’s my adoptive parents home which makes it even creepier. I am now going to share with my readers the letters this person has sent to my home, but not brave enough to put his or her name down, in a part 1 and part 2. I will have my own comments in between the asterixes. They also sent me paperwork on Aushwitz saying I should be thankful I am adopted because I could have been a Holocaust victim. Having been to Poland, and having a friend from Oswiecim, I’m very much aware of the Holocaust. I don’t see why they felt the need to compare adoption to the Holocaust, but let us continue.

You should be thankful everyday for not being in an orphanage and never adopted. Also read the article because think of what these people went through many years ago.

*Nope, I’m tossing out the article on the Holocaust, thank you. I’m well aware of the atrocities through starvation, murder, and disease that certain ethnic groups in Europe went through. Fighting for equality for adoptees has no comparison to the Holocaust. This is like saying Black people in the 1950s and 1960s should not have fought for intregation and desegregation because at least they’re alive and not in a gas chamber. Absolutely absurd, drivel, nonsense. An adoptee doesn’t need to be anymore grateful for not being in an orphanage than a person who was raised by their biological family. Furthermore, this just proves this person doesn’t actually read my articles because I have stated previously that according to UNICEF and Lumos, the majority of orphans in this world are not actually orphans. For example, in the continent of Africa some parents are so destitute they use orphanages simply as means to clothe, feed, and educate their children but do not want them adopted out.*

You are definitely selfish and put only your “wants” first. I just saw your home and you live very nicely so why do you keep posting everything and constantly complaining…..do you care about anybody but yourself. Maybe your life with your adopted family has always been you first and you are just spoiled. You also say you are a genius in everything you write about yourself and if your resume is accurate then you are a genius and must have a fantastic and high paying job. You have more qualification than most people have with a bachelor’s degree… your resume say you can do everything.

*Where did this person get my resume? How old is this person writing me? I feel like English is not their first language. If this is the same person who previously sent mail to my house than this would be a Korean born adoptee living in Rochester, NY in their mid to late thirties. Why is this person obsessed with looking up my resume? Are they looking up my actual work resume? No, I do not have a high paying job. I struggle financially due to severe anxiety disorder. So, because I demand equality for adoptees-and that includes refusing to be someone’s dirty secret- I’m spoilt. Excuse me? What nonsense and drivel yet again. No, I am not a genius in everything. I am a genius in languages and linguistics, more proof this person doesn’t actually read anything I write. No, I do not have more qualifications than most people with a bachelor’s degree. This person asked if I care about anyone but myself. Well, let’s see. Things and people I care about:

*Getting psychological help for first parents aka parents of adoption loss because hiding in one’s closet of shame for losing their baby to adoption or giving their baby away to adoption isn’t going to help themselves. This anonymous person is yet another person -who creepily sends mail to my house instead of commenting on this blog because you can leave comments- who falsely believes staying hidden in one’s closet about their own child is healthy. It’s already been stated by a sociologist, with a phd, from a college in Brooklyn that the secrecy and hiding that occurs in the adoption world makes absolutely no sense to good psychological care. According to this sociologist, hiding from your adopted out child and asking others to, is one of the most damaging things you can do. The woman has a phd in this, which means, she is right. Next, I care about adoptees having equality and I am a proud member of Bastard Nation. Next, I care about the fact there is no psychological help out there for kept siblings who learn they have a sibling they weren’t raised with. Next, I care about the fact adoptees are seen as dirty little secrets and commodity by some members of society (like this anonymous sender of my mails to my own house). I care about the fact that around 25,000 adoptees each year are resold, according to a 2013 Reuters, investigation sometimes to paedophiles. I care about the fact adoptees don’t get biological health information including in life or death situations. Next, I care that the adoption industry is a multibillion dollar, loosely regulated uncredentialed industry and that we have more laws in place for buying and selling a home than we do for adopting kids. Next, I care about the adoptees who have been raped and murdered, or murdered by their adoptive parents. Next, I care about animals. Next, I care about the fact we need to raise funds to help police solve cold case crimes. Next, I care about our police. Next, I care about our veterans. Next I care about the elderly being abused, especially financially abused. There’s a lot of nexts. The fact this person audaciouslly calls me egocentric when I spent ten years volunteering with abused children speaks volumes. *

You no longer want other peoples comments on your blog or anything you write then not sure what you write is really true because you seem to be able to say what you want but no way do you want someone to disagree with you. If you are a genius just go to work and be thankful you were adopted and stop complaining. Right now you can’t change the way things were done 30 yrs ago. Stop blaming adoption for your anxiety. If your biological mom doesn’t want contact with you then you have to accept that because has her reasons along with her own privacy. All you care about is “YOU” and what you want.

 

*How many times do I have to write that birthparent privacy is a myth? It is a myth because the original birth certificate is not sealed into the adoption is finalized. So, if a baby is given away for adoption and ends up being raised in foster care he or she keeps his or her original birth making privacy null and void. There is no such thing as privacy. Birth certificates of adoptees were not sealed in New York State until Senator Lehman bought 2 children from the human trafficker Georgia Tann which can be read about in The Baby Thief by Barbara Raymond. No, I am never going to stop complaining because I am a voice for equality and I am a voice for the voiceless. This is equivalent to having told people like Susan B Anthony and Rosa Parks to be quiet. Yes, I will blame adoption for my anxiety. Adoption took me away from my original family, it took me away from my numerous siblings, it nearly killed me when I was nine years old because we didn’t have health information, it made me look through the crowds when I was in Rochester trying to find people who look like me. No, the reason I don’t like comments on my blog- but people can still leave comments- is because of ignorant nonsense and drivel like what has been sent to my home. People can argue on things like whether or not hunting is right or whether or not abortion is right on moral grounds, but everything presented in this blog is researched through data and interviews through sixteen years of research. Everything I present is fact, not opinion. You do not move on from losing a child to adoption, this has been psychologically proven. No, I will not accept my biological mom refusing to have contact and this goes right back to what the sociologist in Brooklyn has said about hiding. I know why she is hiding. I know why she’s asking others to pretend I don’t exist, you -anonymous person who won’t even put your name on letters and creepily finds out where I live- do not know why. No, she does not get privacy nor does any other first parent. No biological parent gets privacy and anonymity. It does not exist on the law books, and it does not exist at a psychological stand point. I know what is best for everyone involved, and that is not hiding in one’s closet of shame, fear, guilt, hurt because of what happened 30 yrs ago by blaming the adoptee- ME!- by asking me to pretend not to exist to anyone and asking others to pretend not to exist to me. All I care about is true healing, and true healing does not come in the form of asking my adult siblings to not talk to me. True healing does not come in the form of keeping my existence a secret to my siblings as they grew up. My biological family on my maternal side was middle to upper middle class, ginormous, with plenty of married people- there was zero reason for me to be given away for adoption other than the same of unwedlock pregnancy.  Healing does not come from lying and saying she was going to tell  and that I didn’t give her time, as indicated from a certain letter, when she wrote me saying she never plans on telling. Healing does not come from telling my cousin, who was writing me and who did want to get to know me, to block me. Healing does not come from hiding. Healing comes from accepting your adopted out child is back -because she did leave a letter asking to be found and it does not matter if she hadn’t. Healing comes from not sabotaging relationships with others. Healing comes from working with a certified counselor to deal with adoption loss, not punishing your adopted out niece, cousin, sister, and daughter by asking her to disappear which is subconsciously blaming an adoptee for their conception.”

Other resources:

firstmotherforum.com

adoptionbirthmothers.com

mirahriben.blogspot.com

A Hole In My Heart by Lorraine Dusky which should be read by anyone from New York State, especially Rochester.

The Baby Thief by Barbara Raymond

The Stork Market by Mirah Riben

The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler

Origins Canada – although in Canada, the vast majority of things associated with what they write applies to Americans.

Bottom line is I love my biological family even though they are very mean and hurtful to me. I will not stop fighting for what is right. I will not stop fighting to them to see I am not the bad guy in this, as much as some think I am. My biological family needs therapy, not an uneducated person trying to stand up for them. I’ve interviewed over 600 first (biological) mothers who have informed me everything going on is completely unnecessary in the respect that there is no reason I should be treated like this.

I will make this very clear to the person who is sending me this mail to my house. Do not contact me again. Do not write me. Do not send mail to my house.  I have sent this copy to every police department in Rochester and they have been notified that I do not want you writing to me. Do not write me again. Do not send anything to my house. This is the second time you have wasted police officers’ time and mine.

Police officers, I ask you do not show up to my house. You are welcome to email me. I also thank you for your service in protecting our communities. The second letter and the article about the Holocaust has been sent to Lietenant Michael Jones of the Rochester, NY police department with a comment on there that this anonymous person who is reading my blog is not to write me again. I will not put up with people trying to argue law and facts, nor will I put up with the anxiety it causes getting this mail.

Congratulations on wasting my time and that of our hard working police force.

Please note I am aware of grammar and spelling mistakes on here. I work from home and am far too busy to carefully comb through and check for grammatical and spelling accuracy.

I love my bio mother and I will not stop fighting until she learns hiding from me and asking others to hide from me will never let her heal. I love my bio siblings immensely, and I will never stop fighting for them. Never write me again and never demand I be happy about the discrimination I and ten million other people across the States and Canada face, along with millions in Australia, Ireland, the UK, Spain, Greece, and more.