Over the weekend, yesterday, and today I read absolutely appalling responses from adoptees on Facebook. Complete and utter attacks on first mothers, as in mothers who lost their babies to adoption. Messages that demand they grovel on their knees for giving their babies away, choosing abandonment, telling me that all bio mothers should burn in hell if they try for contact when an adoptee doesn’t want it, that they have no business coming back into the adoptee’s life when the adoptive mother/real mother did all the hard work, comparing first mothers to rapists, and other outrageously stupid shit. Now, I understand that some adoptees are ignorant. They were unaware of the facts about things like the Baby Scoop Era, domestic violence and no support system for women back in the day (and still much progress needing to be made, but some has been made), being lied to about open adoption that still goes on, and more. I have no problem with adoptees who didn’t know any better. But terrible to think that some adoptees who already are aware of factors that push a mother to lose her baby to adoption would even think for a second it’s appropriate to attack first mothers.
Yes, there are some adoptees who do have abusive, horrible, psychopathic first mothers (and I hate even using the term first mother on them) who did literally abandon them, such as right on the sidewalk. However, look at the case of the girl who was abandoned by her first mother in a Burger King. She searched for her and found her. She’s thrilled to bits she came back and is introducing her to her whole family, the young lady’s bio family. She was a scared teenager at the time, stupid, and completely oblivious to what she was doing. I’m not going to negate the fact there are some terrible first mothers. I know a man who was abandoned on a sidewalk, and later when he found her she was just as horrible. 1 in 25 people are a psychopath, and yes some women are bitches. But the rate of a first mother being a psychopathic bitch is so extremely tiny.
No, let me tell each and every one of you the truth of how pregnant mothers and mothers of newborns turn into first mothers.
- Being a young minor and in their country the decision to force them to give away their baby and whether or not to keep the adoption open or I should say “open” (if adoptive parents keep their end of the bargain) is done by their parents. It’s flat out human trafficking in smart countries, but it’s allowed in dumb ones. I actually just learned this despicable truth tonight.
- Their boyfriends leaving them. In fact, in some states the “sperm donor” has every right to up and leave his pregnant girlfriend and sign adoption papers before she can. Leaving her high and dry and more likely to go the adoption route. However, in other states (South Carolina, Utah) rights for biological fathers are next to none.
- Lied to about open adoption. Furthermore, I am aghast that any adoptee would think that closed adoption is not worse, or idiotically, think it’s better than open adoption. I could not believe what I was reading when some adoptees from open adoptions that remained open stated it was better to have a closed adoption. The ignorance is astounding. And keeping an adopted child away from abusive bio family members can still be done without closing the adoption. That isn’t where the appalling ignorance came from (the idea that you must close an adoption to keep a child safe from abusive bio family), but this monstrous idea that a child is better off to not know their: heritages, lineage, original name, and to not have any contact with any safe and loving biological family members, and to even think for a moment that seeing their first mother leave after visits is anywhere near as traumatizing as first mothers and adoptees who don’t even know if each other is alive or where each other is or a first mother even knowing if her baby she lost to adoption is in a safe home after seeing yet again on the news of adopted children being murdered. Open adoptions are not legally enforceable in the States or in Canada, and around 75% close by the time the child is in kindergarten (senior kindergarten for Canadians).
- The Baby Scoop Era. Please do not use wikipedia as a source. It is not reliable with the Baby Scoop Era.
- Their ex boyfriend or corrupt agency workers made trumped up charges so they could kidnap their baby, child, or children.
- The immense level the multibillion dollar, loosely regulated uncredentialed adoption industry goes (in the US and Canada) goes into adoption propaganda and subtle coercive adoption language. I have a genius level IQ in languages and linguistics. I was tested for it in November 2013.
- The fact the adoption agency or private adopters will pay for a lawyer and then trick the naive pregnant mother into thinking he or she is representing her. A lawyer cannot represent someone he or she is not being paid by, unless he or she works pro bono, which is not the case when the adopters or the adoption agency are paying.
- Living in a warzone where human trafficking is high and is closely correlated to international adoption due to loose international regulations.
- 1 in 4 British homes and 1 in 4 American homes are domestically violent. In many countries even today women and children living in abuse have no help. In the UK, Canada, Britain, Australia, New Zealand, and Ireland support for women and children in domestically violent situations has definitely improved but it has not improved enough. More laws need to be passed. More importantly, more enforcement needs to be done. While I strongly support police, more awareness to domestic violence where the husband is a law enforcement officer must be addressed (whom I don’t support). Women and teenage girls lost their babies to adoption literally in order to keep them alive. Teenage girls living under the roofs of abusive fathers lost their babies to adoption because they saw no other way out, because there was no other way out. Don’t blame the first mothers, don’t even blame the adoptive mothers, blame the abusive man- or the abusive woman- there are domestically violent homes because of the woman. It might be the pregnant girl’s mother that is abusive. Blame the adoption agency workers who did nothing to safely remove the mother and her baby together to a safe location and to remain together. For First Nations women in Canada, that rate of domestic violence is even higher. First Nations women and Native American women are the most likely race of women in North America to experience domestic violence. It must be addressed.
- Kicked out of their parents’ house for getting pregnant.
- Blamed for being raped.
- Evicted from their flats/apartments. Oh yes, there was a time when you were kicked out by your landlord for being pregnant unmarried.
- Fired from their jobs for being pregnant.
- Not hired anywhere because they were pregnant.
- Completely ignored by their entire family for getting pregnant.
- Told they were too young to parent and then told how wonderful adoption is.
- Too poor to parent and then told how wonderful adoption is (and not told adoption is a permanent solution to their temporary financial woes).
- Had an affair with a man of power, often influenced by him to have the affair, who then posed threats if she didn’t abort or give her baby away to adoption. This is partly why some politicians today don’t want to unseal original birth certificates.
- In foster care 88% of girls and young women in foster care get pregnant by the age of 21. Notice how the adopters take the baby, but don’t give the mother a permanent home (well, maybe permanent. 25,000 adopted children in the US every year are resold, sometimes to paedophiles. It’s disgusting).
- They passed away or knew they were going to pass away. Again, where was the father? Why are we not putting more responsibility on him if he was aware? Where was the rest of her family if they could have at least made it work?
- They didn’t understand, because they were pushed to not understand, that their financial woes were only temporary.
- They live or still live in a state where the convicted rapist sperm donor can get partial custody of her child conceived through rape. Yeah, North Dakota, Utah, Maryland, and more you’re beyond fucked up. Currently, it’s 6 states still doing this. I know a mother raising her child she conceived in rape after surviving a rape and attempted murder (that serial killer was fortunately murdered by a child victim’s brother so he cannot harm any more women and children) who has been at the forefront of making sure all 50 states stop allowing this.
- They chose drugs over their baby or child. I won’t lie, like I said, there are some like that. However, this is not most first mothers.
- They have severe personality disorders and put themselves first. Again, I won’t lie. However, this is only an extremely small amount of first mothers.
- They come from a poor family that says they don’t have the means to raise another child. You need to ask yourself then why the adopters don’t give the money to the poor family to keep the baby in the family instead of using tens of thousands of dollars to take the baby away from his or her mother. For the adoptive parents it comes down to either greed or ignorance. Most first mothers, however, come from suburban middle class families and some from rich ones.
- They are from a country where handicap children, girls, Deaf children, and rape conceived children are treated terribly. Ask yourself why the adoption industries haven’t inspired grassroots efforts to change this.
- They were told by their parents to “get rid of it.”
- They were lied to and told they’ll forget all about it. This lie still permeates. I bitched out an adoption agency worker from California for telling this to a 14 year old who lost her baby to adoption this year.
- They were extremely young and scared, afraid what their parents would say. In the US, girls as young as 14 (and 12 in Alaska) can meet with these vile (and they all are vile) adoption agency workers without any trusted adult knowing. This must be seen as child abuse, and it must be put to an end. The human brain is not fully developed until about ages 24 to 26. They are not going to make rational decisions, and furthermore when they are still minors.
- Everyone turned her back on her when she got pregnant.
- Forced to give away her baby to adoption because the baby would be biracial.
So, what about the first mothers who don’t want contact? What about the first mothers who even more disparingly tell others in the biological family not to have contact with their adopted away relative or not to until after they (the first mother) is deceased? Well, let me tell you even they didn’t willingly give away their babies. They just have not admitted the truth yet from one of the above. They have been forced from family, society, the times, the bullshit lies of the adoption agency, whoever it may be to pretend it never happen, pretend they never lost a child or pretend to be happy about it and have moved on. No mother moves on from losing a child. They have been bullied and used into thinking they didn’t lose their own baby to adoption. They have been bullied and shamed into believing they weren’t good enough to parent their own child. They feel guilty for not parenting their own child, and it helps none when I have read abyssal comments from adoptees saying they should grovel and feel ashamed (unless it’s one of the rare bad reasons given above, I repeat rare).
So please, stop blaming first mothers. At least stop blaming almost 100% of them. Start blaming those who did what they did so she couldn’t raise her own baby, her own child. Start supporting first mothers by:
*Telling them about support groups like Concerned United Birthparents
*Telling them about this blog.
*Befriending them if you are a first mother who has made contact yourself or is looking.
*Letting them know they can let the shame go.
*Going after the real culprits in a legal way.
*Sharing your story as fellow first mothers (and first fathers) how reconnecting with your child was worth it, even if there were struggles and arguements if any.
It has been first mothers at the forefront of progression and change to unseal original birth certificates without redactions, to stop the sealing of original birth certificates, to abolish closed adoption, to support family preservation within a biological family, and to start support groups.